It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit” said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
Author: admin
Skunked Again
How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!
Tounge twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?’So the guy tells him ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, “I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh,” I said, “I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh.””She socked me one.’The first guy responded, ‘Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,” But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.”’
Go to save my friend
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears–a male and a female.The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend.Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.”What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!””Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”
Frog or Toad?
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says ribbit, ribbit, the other one says rub it, rub it!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…
- Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations
- The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most
is the M60.
The Ketchup Gang
REUTERS — A gang of Hong Kong muggers has been dubbed “The Ketchup Gang” because they squirt the condiment on victims’ clothes to distract them and then rob them. Officials say The Ketchup Gang is responsible for around 30 muggings in Hong Kong this year, including the case of a jeweler who was robbed of a suitcase containing more than $2 million.
Heavenly Rewards for your Job
So these two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks them to step forward and give their name and occupation. The first man steps up and says, “I’m Jim Walzcek, Taxi Driver. Saint Peter reviews his list, “Ah, yes”. Hands him a silk robe, hands him a gold staff and welcomes him to heaven.The next man steps forward and says,” I’m Gene Nelson and I was a Lutheran minister for 43 years”. Saint Peter reviews his list, ‘Ah, yes”. Hands him a cotton robe, passes him a wooden staff and welcomes him to heaven. The minister, looking a bit taken aback, says, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful but the man in front of me received silk and gold”.Saint Peter replied, “We judge by results. While you preached people slept, while he drove people prayed.
Unfortunate email addresses
Many Universities colleges, and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. I.E. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. (Probably not funny to the individual involved.)Some examples follow:Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University):[email protected] Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University):[email protected] George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.):[email protected] Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania):[email protected] Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University):[email protected] Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating):[email protected] Amanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University):[email protected] Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University):[email protected] Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada):[email protected] Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us):[email protected]
Despu�s de la guerra, el
Despu�s de la guerra, el sargento le ordena a su batall�n que recojan todos los cad�veres del ej�rcito de Tontilandia. A los dos d�as, llega el cabo:
“Se�or, ya hemos terminado con la recolecci�n.”
“Muy bien, cabo, ahora, proceda a enterrarlos.”
A los tres d�as, llega el cabo:
“Ya he terminado, se�or.”
“Muy bien, vayamos a ver.”
Cuando llegan al cementerio, el sargento ve que todos los cuerpos est�n enterrados de pie y con la cabeza afuera de la tierra. El sargento le pregunta qu� demonios hizo, a lo que el cabo contesta:
“Bueno, los enterr� as� para no confundirnos con las l�pidas…”
Sex test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for “twelve”.
True or False
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Blonde T-Shirts
Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?It stands for tits go in front.