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Wedding & Revenge

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This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called
revenge.

It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the
wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank
everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and
groom’s families for coming and for providing such a fabulous
reception.

He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was an envelope; He
said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone
should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an
eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.

He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective. After he stood there and watched the people’s
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and
bride and said, “Fuck You!” then turned to the crowd and left.
He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.

Most people’s would break off the engagement right away after
finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway,
as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride’s
parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people
at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did
happen. Best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s
reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire
families!

Un tipo que decide comprar

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Un tipo que decide comprar una mascota ve a un loro colgando, cabeza abajo, de un palo; se le queda mirando y dice en voz alta:

“Vaya, �qu� le habr� pasado a este loro?”

“Yo nac� as�: soy un loro sin patas”, dice el ave.

“�Je, je! Me pareci� como si este p�jaro hubiera entendido lo que dije y me hubiera contestado”.

“Claro que entend� lo que dijiste. Soy un loro sumamente inteligente y muy culto”.

“�Ah, s�? Entonces cont�stame esto: �c�mo te cuelgas del palo, si no tienes patas?”

“Bueno, ver�s, me da un poco de verg�enza, pero ya que has preguntado, te lo voy a decir: uso mi pene como gancho y lo enrollo en el palo, no puedes verlo porque lo cubro con mis plumas”.

“�Incre�ble! �Realmente puedes entender lo que dice la gente y contestar?”

“Claro que s�, hablo espa�ol e ingl�s. Puedo conversar sin mayores problemas casi sobre cualquier tema: pol�tica, religi�n, f�tbol, qu�mica, filosof�a… y soy especialmente bueno en ornitolog�a. Deber�as comprarme, soy un excelente compa�ero”.

El hombre mira la etiqueta del precio ($200) y masculla:

“Ese precio es demasiado para m�”.

“Pssst”, le llama el loro moviendo un ala para que se acerque. “Nadie me quiere porque no tengo patas. Ofr�cele al due�o $20”.

El hombre ofrece los $20 y sale de la tienda con el ave. Pasan las semanas y el loro es sensacional, gracioso, interesante, un excelente amigo, entiende todo y hasta da muy buenos consejos. Su due�o est� feliz con �l. Un d�a, el hombre llega de trabajar y el perico lo llama:

“Pssst”, moviendo un ala para que se acerque.

El tipo se pone muy cerca de la jaula.

“No s� si contarte o no, pero es acerca de tu mujer y el cartero”.

“��Qu�?!”

“Bueno, esta ma�ana, cuando lleg� el cartero, tu mujer lo recibi� con un beso en la boca. Ella estaba vestida s�lo con ropa interior”.

“�Y despu�s qu� pas�?”

“Despu�s, el cartero entr� en la casa y empez� a acariciarla toda”.

“�Dios Santo! �Y qu� m�s?”

“Despu�s, le quit� las bragas y el sost�n. Se arrodill� y empez� a besarla por todas partes, empezando por los senos, lentamente, e iba bajando y bajando por el ombligo y segu�a y segu�a…”

El ave se queda callada un buen rato.

“�Y qu� pas�? �Qu� pas�? �Habla maldito loro!”, grita fren�tico el hombre.

“No s�, se me par� y me ca� del palo”.

Make me an uncle!

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Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.

“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?”

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”

“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”

Un chofer que ha manejado

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Un chofer que ha manejado muchas horas decide parar al costado del camino para dormir un poco. Apenas ha cerrado los ojos, un corredor que pasa por ah� le golpea la ventana para preguntarle la hora. El tipo abre y todav�a somnoliento le dice: “Son las 6”, cierra la ventana y se vuelve a quedar dormido.

De inmediato le vuelven a tocar, ahora un paletero. “�Qu� quiere?” “�Quiero saber qu� hora es?” “Son las 6:05.”

El tipo se vuelve a dormir y ahora una se�ora le vuelve a tocar la ventanilla: “Disculpe que lo moleste, �podr�a darme la hora?” “�SON LAS 6:10!”

El tipo coje un plum�n y en un cart�n escribe: “NO TENGO LA HORA”, lo pega en la ventanilla y se dispone a dormir tranquilo. Apenas estaba cerrando los ojos cuando alguien le toca de nuevo…

“�Y ahora usted qu� quiere?”, pregunta furioso.

“Nada se�or, s�lo quer�a decirle que son las 7 con 15 minutos…”

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit (funny)

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!”” and rode off as fast as he could

“

Child of a Porn Star

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked
by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at
the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.
“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife. “No, no
boyfriend either.” “Do you have a partner then?” “No, I’m
unattached, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
“You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black” “Well,” replies the
girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to
live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of
my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde
hair.” “Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see I
desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted
eyes.” “Well yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up
and there was also a Chinese man in the movie.”

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby
a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother
exclaims, “Thank God for that!” “What do you mean?” says the
midwife, shocked. “Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I
had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.”

Proverbs

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A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results:

1. As you shall make your bed so shall you … Mess it up

2. Better be safe than … Punch a 5th Grader.

3. Strike while the … Bug is close.

4. It’s always darkest before … Daylight Saving Time.

5. Never under estimate the power of … Termites

6. You can lead a horse to water, but … How?

7. Don’t bite the hand that … Looks dirty.

8. No news is … Impossible.

9. A miss is as good as a … Mr.

10. You can’t teach an old dog … Math.

11. If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll … Stink in the morning.

12. Love all, trust … Me.

13. The pen is mightier than the … Pigs.

14. An idle mind is … The best way to relax.

15. Happy the bride who … Gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is … Not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s … The Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off til tomorrow what … You put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … You have to blow your nose.

20. None are so blind as … Helen Keller.

21. Children should be seen and not … Spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed … Get new batteries.

23. You get out of something what you … See pictured on the box.

24. When the blind leadeth the blind … Get out of the way.

25. There is no fool like … Aunt Eddie.