Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, ‘Mama, I’m sooo hungry, what can we eat?’ To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied,How about some Baskin Robbins?’
Author: admin
Two In One Grave?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
Supernatural sex
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had sexual contact with a ghost?”
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said “goat’.”
Newbie computer user questions
‘Newbie computer user questions’1. Compaq is considering changing the command ‘Press Any Key’ to ‘Press Return Key’ because of the many calls asking where the ‘Any’ key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with xeroxed copies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the ‘send’ key.7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. ‘Yea, I got me a couple of friends,’ the customer replied. When told ‘Egghead’ was a software store, the man said, ‘Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.’8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ‘bad and an invalid’. The tech explained that the computer’s ‘bad command’ and ‘invalid’ responses shouldn’t be taken personally.10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, ‘I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.’ The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to be the computer’s mouse.11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked ‘What power switch?’12. True story from Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: ‘Hello, is this Tech Support?’Tech: ‘Yes, it is. How may I help you?’Caller: ‘The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?’Tech: ‘I’m sorry, but did you say a ‘cup holder’?Caller: ‘Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.’Tech: ‘Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?’Caller: ‘It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.’At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!!Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into ‘Drive A’ but he couldn’t possibly get more than two in.
Magic shoes
A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.’
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ‘I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.’
Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you into a sex freak?’
The Pakistani said, �just try them on, sahib.’
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes – something his wife hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani’s thighs.
The Pakistani began screaming, ‘You have dem on de wrong feet!’
What do you call 500
What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?
The Indy 500.
You Can’t Send Women To The Hardware Store
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store….Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That’s silver and it costs $100! My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge? To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
Iba caperucita roja caminando por
Iba caperucita roja caminando por el bosque cuando se le apareci� el lobo y le dijo:
“Caperucita, te voy a violar.”
Caperucita responde:
“�A mi mam� no le va a gustar esto!”
Y responde el lobo:
“�A tu mam� ya le gust�!”
Nickel Johnny
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner
market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would
constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice
between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel — they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said
“Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or
what?”
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his
face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so
far I have saved $20!”
Dog seat (rude)
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.The war weary soldier asked, ”Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ”You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fife is using that seat?”The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, ”Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ”You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ”You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
Unfaithful Wife
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.
Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office’s auditorium.
Space Technology
LONDON (AP) – Russian scientists are developing a cocktail of
bacteria that will eat underpants in an effort to find new ways
to dispose of astronauts’ dirty underwear. The project, aimed at
long space missions lasting months, such as a trip to Mars, is
reported in this week’s issue of New Scientist, a London-based
science magazine. The methane gas given off by the disposal unit
could be used to power the spacecraft, the scientists told the
magazine. “This will be a revolution in the science of
biodegradation,” said Vyacheslav Ilyin, head of the microbial
ecology laboratory at the Institute for Biological and Medical
Problems at the Russian State Research Center.