Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.
Author: admin
A guy walks into a bar and asks…
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ”Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
”Well” the guy says, ”I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18”
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say ”happy birthday, happy birthday!”
The bartender asks ”so which one died?”
”No one.”
”But you only ordered two drinks!”
”Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”
Talking to Me?
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Tip off
He was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two
women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she
loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says
‘rejected’?”
As the women’s faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr.
Allen walked out from the kitchen. “Well,” he answered, wiping his hands, “the
first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who
might have been thinking of leaving you a tip.”
The Top 16 Tim McVeigh Last Request Ice Cream Flavors
16> Angry White Chocolate
15> Ruby Ridge Raspberry
14> Death by Lethally-Injected Chocolate
13> Chunky Kaczynski
12> Pralines ‘n’ Lethal-Injection-Antidote Crunch
11> Sodium Pentothal Pistachio Swirl
10> Chocolate Marshmallow Martyr
9> No Tunnel/No Light Surprise
8> Electric Cherry
7> Militia Mint Gun Nut Crunch
6> Tossed Cookies ‘n’ Scream
5> Rocky Road to Hell
4> Chocolate Chip Cookie John Doe #2
3> Goodbye Cruel Swirl
2> Dead Mango Walking
1> Kooky D’oh!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]The Top 16 Commencement Speech Quotes
16> Bill Gates: “Hello, class of 2003. By the time I was your age, I had already started Microsoft, you losers.”
15> Scott Peterson: “With a clear vision and careful planning, you can execute any plan almost perfectly. *Almost*.”
14> Ben Affleck: “If you work hard, constantly strive to improve your skills, and are totally committed to achieving your goals, your life *still* won’t be half as good as the life I got from a combination of good looks and incredible luck.”
13> Admiral James Stockdale: “Where am I? Why am I here?”
12> Jesse Jackson: “On this day of graduation, go out and serve the nation. Celebrate your education as you search for motivation. And avoid investigations into your fornication!”
11> Larry King: “Graduates, today is one of the greatest celebrations of achievement you will experience in your life… Bananas: delicious, nutritious, and inexpensive. You can’t go wrong with bananas… Say what you will about his economic theories, Milton Friedman is a consummate gentleman… When you wake up naked but for a pair of pink underpants on your head while loosely roped to a sign which reads ‘ALTO,’ it is time to take inventory of whom you should call ‘friend.'”
10> Robert Downey, Jr.: “I’ll make this short, as I’m scheduled to be caught with cocaine and heroin in my hotel room in about an hour.”
9> Simon Cowell: “You have *got* to be the stupidest-looking graduates I’ve *ever* seen. I’m serious. You may as well just give up on life right now and go home and hang yourselves.”
8> William Bennett: “Major challenges lie ahead — but so do big payoffs. The coins invested in your education can yield a giant jackpot. Especially if you remember to double on 11, and hit on a soft 17 when the dealer has a nine or higher.”
7> Hugh Hefner: “Which way to Sorority Row?”
6> Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Minister of Information: “Glorious are your righteous futures! Your lives will be secure and bountiful! The economy is sizzling! You will find a stylish yet inexpensive apartment in a major city, your school loan debt will vanish like the cowardly American infidels did in Baghdad! And the job market is truly enormous! Each and every one of you will soon have twenty nubile corporate recruiters fighting over the privilege of performing oral sex on you in order to convince you to accept their job offers!”
5> George W. Bush: “If you don’t think the economy is good, then last year’s graduates have already won.”
4> Samuel L. Jackson: “You muthaf**kas best get yo asses out them silly-ass flat hats and get y’all some muthaf**kin’ jobs.”
3> Ted Williams: “Is it just me, or is it *really* cold in here?”
2> Bill Clinton: “It has been said that anything a man can imagine he can achieve. I’m here to tell you that it is true. I’m here to tell you — yes, you — the brunette in the third row… yes, *you*, darlin’ — I *will* achieve you.
1> Tim Robbins: [speech cancelled]
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Sooo… Blonde
She was soooo blonde…
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
* she sold the car for gas money.
* she thought a quarterback was a refund.
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
* she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill.
* she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”.
* she tried to alphabetize M&M’s.
* she tried to drown a fish.
* she wrote “Capricorn” on the application where it said, “sign here”.
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shoot! My glass eye!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
“Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
“Born Free.”
Signs you’re no longer a kid
You can live without sex but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and isn’t breaking any laws.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word “equity” means.You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel.You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
The coarse
One day a kid and his dad go golfing up in Canada. the dad tells his son that if a bear comes along dont run cause a bear can out run any human. so there on the coarese and the dad asked the kid what he should do if a bear came up to him. The son yells”im gonna run like hell” the dad says “but a bear can out run u’. the son says”its not the bear i have to outrun it u”.
Why Women Live Longer
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
American and Chinese on A Radio Conversation
This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off
the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980.
CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a
collision.
CHINESE: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
CHINESE: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS MIDWAY, the second largest ship in
the United States Pacific Fleet.
We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support
vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again,
that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure
the safety of this ship.
CHINESE: This is a lighthouse. You are on the course to collide with a
Vietnamese fishing boat filled with hundreds refugees!