A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
Author: admin
I didn’t claw my way
I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
“So many channels. . .
So little choice.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Hair on your twinkie
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.”You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns. “Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”
HELL
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, ‘That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you,’ and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is
exothermic.”
This student got the only A.
What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
The Bridge
There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge!” the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge!” The Australian said, “Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge!” so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a cheese sandwich!” so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a vegemite sandwich!” so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, “I don’t understand, he makes his own lunch!”.
How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Herpes Prevention
Researchers say they’ve discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes…
Must be a rubber tree…
Golf challenge
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ���rt��
A Visit to Hell
A man died and went to heaven. After an eternity passed, he
asked St. Peter to let him visit hell because he was tired of
the monotonous life in heaven. St. Peter agreed to let him go
for one night.
“Devil, I’m spending a night here,” the man said on arrival.
“I’ve been told hell is great fun.”
“Welcome,” replied the devil, presenting a beautiful woman to
the man. The next day, the man returned to heaven full of
happiness. An eternity later, he asked St. Peter to let him
visit hell again. The devil provided him with the company of an
attractive model and again the man was ecstatic when he returned
to heaven.
An eternity later, he deicided to move to hell permanently. St.
Peter tried to persuade him to stay, but eventually was forced
to let him go. Arriving in hell, the man told the devil he had
come to stay permanently. The devil invited him in, but this
time an old and withered hag with dirty, smelly hair greeted him.
“Where are the beuatiful women I had before?” asked the man,
horrified.
“Well, my friend,” the devil replied, “tourism is tourism, but
permanent residency…now that is somthing else!”
If guns are outlawed, how
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
Dog’s New Years Resolution
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will stop trying to find the last remaining piece of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will keep the humans off my water bowl!