Author: admin

A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.”I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?” Stated the counsel for the insurance company.”Yes, that’s right,” replied the farmer, nodding his head.”You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, ‘I’ve never felt better inn my life.’ Is that the case?””Yeah, but” stammered the farmer.”A simple yes or not will suffice,” counsel interrupted quickly.”Yes,” Replied the farmer.Then it was the turn of the farmer’s counsel to ask him questions. “Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health,” his lawyer said.”Certainly,” replied the farmer. “After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. “Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. “Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?”

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat? Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts. Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child? Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child? Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere? Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma? Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs? Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa? Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a werewolf? Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won’t let go of my ear. Billy, let go of Susie’s ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy’s guts. Well, just leave them on the side of the plate

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale? Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like grandpa. Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out! Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia. Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles. Shut up son or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim! Shut up or I’ll flush it again!

Mommy Mommy! It’s cold and dark and damp down here. Shut up or I’ll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want hamburgs for supper! Shut up or I’ll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice! Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti! Shut up or I’ll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There’s something in daddy’s eye! Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma’s nail. Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress? You know it won’t fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t I play with the other kids? Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth? Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big. Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s on fire! Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire! Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles? Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder! Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course? Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers! Shut up and eat your french fries!

What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?

Answer: “But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him.”

Dear Tide, I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend’s place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn’t do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can’t praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags… Thanks again! John Smith