Author: admin

Hab�a una vez una peque�a

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Hab�a una vez una peque�a viejecita que casi estaba ciega y ten�a 3 hijos celosos que quer�an probar que cada uno de ellos era el mejor hijo para ella.

El primero le compr� una mansi�n de 15 habitaciones pensando que ser�a lo mejor que se le podr�a ofrecer. El segundo le compr� un Mercedes con un chofer, pensando que seguramente con este regalo ganar�a su aprobaci�n. El tercero ten�a que hacerlo a�n mejor, as� que le compr� una cotorra instruida, que se le hab�a estado entrenando por 15 a�os para que memorizara la Biblia entera; se le pod�a preguntar cualquier verso de la Biblia y la cacat�a pod�a citarlo palabra por palabra. �ste seguramente iba a ser el mejor regalo.

La dama se dirige al primer hijo:

“Hijo, la casa es bella, pero es demasiado grande para m�. Yo s�lo ocupo una habitaci�n y es demasiado pesado limpiar y encargarse del resto. Gracias de todos modos”.

Va con el segundo hijo:

“El carro es muy lujoso, pero yo casi no salgo y es un desperdicio. Adem�s, el conductor es un tanto irritante y no me gusta mucho. Aprecio tu esfuerzo, pero �podr�as devolverlo?”

Entonces, le habl� al tercer hijo:

“�Hijo, me gustar�a darte las gracias por el mejor regalo de todos! Ese pollo estaba delicioso”.

Lost it

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A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand, and his member hanging out when he sees a cop.

He says, “Officer, Officer somebody stole my car,” gesturing with his keys.

The officer says, “Where did you have it?”

The drunk says, “On the end of this key.”

The policeman notices that the drunk’s member is hanging out and tells him, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The drunk looks down and sees his tool protruding from his pants zipper and says, “Shee-it! They got my girlfriend too.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Lumberjack…

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A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.
“Take your axe and go cut it down!”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back…
“Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!

Bear Hunting

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Bill’s all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he
kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,
and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says “You’ve got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex.” Bill bends over for the bear.

He’s sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill
heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A
huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
“That was a big mistake. You’ve got 2 choices, Either I maul you
to death or we have sex.” Bill bends over.

He survives, but he’s really hurting and takes quite a bit of
time to recover. He’s outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to
Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank
range. There’s a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an
enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, “You don’t really
come here for the hunting, do you?”

Perfumes

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An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No.5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts, and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Martain Sex

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A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, “um, how is this going to work?”
The martain man replies “Oh, not big enough? Okay then.”

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. “Um, that’s good but isn’t it still a little thin?
“No problem” the martain man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said “Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?”

The man replied, “It was awful!!
The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!”

Wal-Mart Vs Heaven

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I consider Wal-Mart to be God’s gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gatesWal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doorsHeaven: EternalWal-Mart: Open 24 hoursHeaven: Where old people go when they expireWal-Mart: Where old people go when they retireHeaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves GodWal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for EveryoneHeaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of GodWal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapersHeaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sinWal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaintHeaven: motto – EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefullyWal-Mart: motto – EDLP = Every day low pricesHeaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!Wal-Mart: Sam’s choice cola — now on sale!

One More Time

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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their

lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the

same time,

and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man (Rascal) said, ‘My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up

in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.’

The second man (Dumbass) said, ‘My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m

going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.’

The third man (Bobby) said, ‘My Jim was such a good lover, I think

I’m

going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my

ass up just one more time.’