Little Johnny’s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”
Author: admin
Wet wet wet
What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
Wet Wet Wet.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Woman’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep
One who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who’s willy is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, won’t wait weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash he won’t be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more
Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind
Knows just what to say when I ask, “how big’s my behind”?
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray that this man will love me no end
And never attempts to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the shithead you sent me instead!!! Amen
Training the blonde
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone,
sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one
is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not
Disturb’!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Drucilla!Drucilla who?Drucilla kid
Knock KnockWho’s there?Drucilla!Drucilla who?Drucilla kid you!
Waht do blacks and apples have in common?
They both look good hanging from trees.
Baseball in Heaven?
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.”Bob, Is that you?” Earl asked.”Of course it me,” Bob replied.”This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?””Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?””Tell me the good news first.””Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.””Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?””You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Top 26 Movie Haikus
The Top 15 Movie Quotes Translated to Haiku
26. (from “Field of Dreams”)
Ray, people will come
To see some ghosts play baseball.
They’ll drink six-buck beer.
25. (from “Fight Club”)
Remember Rule One:
We do not talk of Fight Club.
Rule Two: See Rule One.
24. (from “The Godfather II”)
Don’t worry, Fredo,
Blood is thicker than water.
Now get in the boat.
23. (from “Animal House”)
Only one cure for
Double-secret probation…
Cry, “Toga! Toga!”
22. (from “Caddyshack”)
Cute fuzzy rodent
Who’s digging up the golf course,
Come get a surprise.
21. (from “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”)
Hot Terminatrix!
If the next one’s as pretty,
Then I will be back.
20. (from “The Wizard of Oz”)
Still in the Midwest?
Such lush, colorful landscape
Would indicate not.
19. (from “Apocalypse Now”)
Ah! The sweet outdoors!
No scent is more divine than
Napalm in the morn!
18. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Was it six or five?
If your head gets blown clean off
You were not lucky.
17. (from “Gone With The Wind”)
With candor, darling,
The extent of my concern
Is negligible.
16. (from “The Sixth Sense”)
My vision perceives
People no longer alive,
If you catch my drift.
15. (from “Sling Blade”)
I may be ugly
And dumb as an ox, but I
Sure love them taters.
14. (from “Midnight Cowboy”)
Ignorant driver!
Can’t you see me traversing
Here in the crosswalk?!?
13. (from “They Live”)
To chew bubble gum
And kick ass is why I’ve come,
But I have no gum.
12. (from “The Hulk”)
Anger me not, friend.
My appeal declines sharply
Once I am enraged.
11. (from “Silence of the Lambs”)
Chianti I chose.
It goes quite well with people,
The other white meat.
10. (from “Jerry Maguire”)
Please be so kind as
To display for my review
The legal tender.
9. (from “Taxi Driver”)
You talkin’ to me?
Yet again, I beseech thee:
You talkin’ to me?
8. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Point that gun this way!
Go ahead — make my day, punk!
[Blam, blam, blam, blam! Thud.]
7. (from “Deliverance”)
When you bend over,
Please emit shrill cries and shrieks,
As if you were swine.
6. (from “Casablanca”)
Crazy, war-filled world.
The two of us ain’t worth a
Bunch of garbanzos.
5. (from “Gone With the Wind”)
I assure you that
I’m totally untrained in
Obstetrical arts.
4. (from “The Lion King”)
Hail the Lion King,
Though he’s likely to eat you.
Life’s circle’s a bitch.
3. (from “Titanic”)
I won’t let go, Rose,
At least, not because of love.
Now, rigor mortis….
2. (from “2001: A Space Odyssey”)
Electronic dude,
I really wish you would just
OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!
…and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Movie Quote Translated to Haiku…
1. (from “The Empire Strikes Back”)
“Try,” you say to me?
No such thing as “try,” dumbass.
Do it or shut up.
Not getting pregnant
“I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Edna to Priscilla.
“But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Priscilla responded.
“He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution.”
All is not lost, It’s
All is not lost, It’s just a little hard to keep track of…
Stamp collector
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, ‘White.’
The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, ‘Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?’
The woman replied, ‘I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.’
I will hunt you down
Real news snippetHagerstown, Md., Volunteer firefighter Andrew Ebner was heading home from battling a late-night fire when he noticed he was being followed. Then the driver of the truck tailing him fired three shotgun blasts at Ebner’s pickup truck, hitting the tailpipe and blowing out a window. Finally, Ebner stopped his truck along the country road. That’s when the shooter, Kenneth Ramsburg, realized he had the wrong guy. Ramsburg apologized, offered to pay for the damage and gave Ebner his business card. Then, police say, he drove 10 miles to a liquor store parking lot, where he found his intended victim and shot him in the leg.