An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Fingered first
One day a man goes to his doctors and says “Doctor I got raped by an elephant and it ripped my arsehole 10″ wide”
“No way,” says the doctor, “Bend over and let me see”
So the man bends over and sure enough his arsehole is 10″ wide.
“But I thought an elephants dick was long and thin,” said the doctor.
“It is,” said the man, ” but the bastard fingered me first!”
How NOT to Wash Your Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over,
and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hade lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and
paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer
asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died
but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the rinse cycle!”
Bill Clinton and Paula Jones
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Paula Jones?
A: I told you to lick my erection! Not wreck my election!
Kinds of Breasts/Penises
A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After sixty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes. See them, and they make you cry.”
A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes. Dried up, and the balls are there only for decoration.
Q: How many egotists
Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Barber Shop
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says “Well ma’am, I can’t cut your hair with those head-phones on. You’re going to have to take them off.”
She shakes her head vigorously and replies “No, if I take them off, I will die.” He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was “Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.”
They make ’em big in Texas
A Texan lands in Sydney for the Olympics, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches… They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed – “I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy”. The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn “Is this a road, or a track?” So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn’t help himself ….”Stupid grass hoppers!”
By removing his batteries!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
By removing his batteries!
Monica’s testimony
How did Bill reply regarding questions of “coaching” Monica’s testimony?
“It wasn’t words I put in her mouth.”
The best bar in the world…
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, “Yeah,that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replies the Irish guy, “but it happened to me sister!”
En la ciudad de M�xico
En la ciudad de M�xico se hizo una competencia entre las mejores polic�as del mundo. Se iban a realizar varias pruebas y estaban representadas las polic�as de U.S.A., el F.B.I.; de Inglaterra, Scotland Yard; de Rusia, la KGB; y de M�xico, la inefable P.G.R.
La primera prueba se trataba de encontrar un conejo, se lo sueltan a los del F.B.I. y regresan en 16 minutos con �l, luego se lo sueltan a S. Y. y regresan con el conejo en solo 18 minutos; luego la KGB, quienes regresan en tan solo 21 min.
Por �ltimo, toca el turno a la P.G.R. de M�xico. El p�blico grita a rabiar, y los agentes salen a toda prisa en busca del conejo. Pasa una hora, dos horas, se hace de noche… y deciden todos ir a buscarlos.
Al fin los encuentran en una ca�ada y tienen a un BURRO todo golpeado y ensangrentado. Al ver a su superior los guaruras de la P.G.R. le informan:
“JEFE, CON LA NOVEDAD DE QUE EL BURRO NO QUIERE CONFESAR QUE ES CONEJO.”