Clinton’s Address to the Nation

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

SUBJ: Clinton’s Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton’s Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize.

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement.

I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.

The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn’t leak the things that we leaked.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me.

Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most — my wife and our daughter — and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.

Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.

My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with.

Now it is time — in fact, it is past time — to move on. We have important work to do — new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess.

Thank you for watching and good night.

Una bella poetisa se pasea

Una bella poetisa se pasea por la ribera de un r�o y se acerca a un galante pescador, que est� sacando sus redes del agua, y le pregunta:

“�A qu� te dedicas, buen hombre?”

“Soy pescador, se�orita. �A qu� se dedica usted?”

“Yo soy poetisa. Si quiere, en este momento le compongo un poema”.

“�Me encantar�a!”, responde el hombre.

“D�game, �cu�l es su nombre?”

“Juan Padilla, a sus �rdenes”.

La poetisa se inspira y recita:

“Al valiente pescador, Juan Padilla, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla”.

“Ah, se�orita, eso es muy f�cil; a ver, d�game su nombre”:

“Mi nombre es Teresita Angulo”.

Inspir�ndose, el pescador declama:

“A la bella poetisa, Teresita Angulo, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla”.

“�Pero, se�or, eso no rima!”, reclama Teresita.

“�Espere a que suba la marea, mi reina!”

a blonde and a dark stranger

One night a blonde was driveing in her car and saw a stranger on the road. She stoped and asked if she could help. The dark stranger replied to her “Yes you can get out of your car and stand in the box I have drawn on the road and dont move from it.” so she did. He told her that if she moved there would be dier consequinces. So he turned from her. All of a sudden she started laughing. He turned to her quickly. Then knocked out her windows and replied “I told you so.” then turned agian. Not one minute after he turned she was laughing agian. So he riped out the seat cloth and replied “I told you so” then turned agian. all of a sudden she begain to laugh agian. he quickly turned to her then blew up her car and replied “I told you so” then turned once more. she then laughed agian. He turned to her frustratedly and asked “Why are you laughing, I just blew up your car?” then she said “I steped out of the box while you wasnt looking.

The Bill Clinton version: “My Favorite Things”…

The Bill Clinton version: “My Favorite Things” (From “The Sound of Music”)

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad

On Fred’s 86th

On Fred’s 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred’s 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.”What do you mean you don’t want me to do it any more”, she said baffled by his actions.”I just don’t want you to hold me anymore”, replied Fred.”Why, is there someone else”?”Actually there is,” Fred shamefully admitted.”Well what does she have that I don’t have”?”Parkinsons”, replied Fred.