yo mama is so stupid she sold the car for gas money.
Author: admin
3 Gays And A Woman
Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street? Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.
What did
Q:what did hitler get his daughter for her birthday
A:an easy bake oven
First Sky Diving Jump
A fellow gets ready to make his first jump. His jumpmaster sees
he’s nervous and says, “Don’t worry. Just get out there, arch,
count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there’s a problem
with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the
truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft.”
So the fellow exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He pulls
on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve
container. He’s falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks
at the ground and says, “Great. I bet the darn truck won’t be
there, either.”
Abbott and Costello and Computers
In today�s world, Abbott and Lou Costello’s famous sketch Who’s on first? might have turned out something like this:COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO! : I’m going to click your blue w if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer, and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in office for windows!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on START……….
Dead Plants
Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!
The Italian Who Went To New York
One day ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat
soma breakfast. Iwanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea
piss. I tella her i wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I
say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you
better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even
know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
Later i go to eat soma lunch at Drake restaurant, the waitress
bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her i wanna
fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no
understand, i wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the
lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.
So i go back to my room inna hotel, an there’s no sheet on the
bed. I calla the manager and tella him i wanna sheit. He tellsa
me to go to the toilet. So i say you no understand, i wanna
sheit on the bed. He say you better not sheit on the bed you
sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know tha man and he call me sonna
ma bitch.
I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you.
I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I GO BACK TO
ITALY!!!
Blondes, Pearly Gates and Easter
Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.St. Peter asks the first blonde, ‘What is Easter?’ The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”Wrong!,’ replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, ‘What is Easter?’The second blonde replies, ‘Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.’St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, ‘What is Easter?’The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, ‘I know what Easter is.”Oh really?’ says St. Peter, incredulously.’Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.’St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.The third blonde continues, ‘Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.’
Spelling
A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter.
St. Peter says to him, “God has looked at your book of life, and you are welcome in heaven under one condition.”
The man says, “What’s that?”
St. Peter says, “You must spell the word ‘Love’.”
So he does and he is let in to heaven.
As he gets in, St. Peter’s beeper goes off.
He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.
Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her, “What are you doing here?”
She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died.
The husband says, “Alright, but you have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
He answered, “Spell Czechoslovakia.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Irish Wedding vs. Irish Funeral
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?
There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
F*** bush
Eat s*** all you stupid f****** rednecks. one day all the democrats will take
all ur shotguns away and send all the black people with f****** machine guns to
f****** blow all u dumb ass hicks away
dick + bush = f*****
Second Chance for Clinton, Lincoln, and Bush
Bill Clinton, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush died and went to
heaven.
They were walking and knocked on the door of heaven. God
answered and said that they could have one more chance. He told
them to go over to the cloud on his far right and say what they
wanted to do to make the world a better place. Then jump off and
do that deed. That would show the last part of the test of life
and then that would show that they were ready for heaven.
Abraham went first. “I am going to start world peace!” and he
jumped off and started world peace.
Then George Bush went and said, “I am going to clean up all the
trash put on earth.” And he jumped off and started the worldwide
committee for trash clean-ups.
Clinton was very excited he ran and accidentally tripped over a
cloud twig and replied, “SHIT!” and he fell off and became shit
and he helped out the world more than ever.