An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills. He figures that the only way he’s going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren’t too bright and change his phony money for real cash. He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, “Do you have change for a $15 bill?” The old man replies, “I sure do…How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?”
Author: admin
The Facelift
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?””About 35,” was the reply.”I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.””I am actually 47!”This makes him feel really good.While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
Lipstick
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s president of the United States.”
Gothic Prostitutes and Santa
There were three gothic girls walking down the street. Santa
notices and says,” Aren’t you wearing any bright colors instead
of dark.” The girls said,” Because we’re the THREE GOTHICS
PROSTITUTES!” Suddenly, Santa is laughing his head off and then,
his pants fall off. The prostitutes mouths are wide open and
they colaspe onto the sidewalk. Santa says,” I better go and
take them to my workshop and get a good workout.” In the end,
the three gothic prostitutes become Santa’s sexual playmates for
all eternity. Ended by being druged up and brainwashed.
Parenthood Test
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “I love you, you love me” at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! … you finally qualify as a parent.
Jorge y Evangelina son una
Jorge y Evangelina son una pareja que viaja mucho. Como quer�an viajar a Hawai y no dispon�an de mucho dinero, deciden poner 20 d�lares en una lata cada vez que hicieran el amor.
Al finalizar el a�o, revisaron la lata, y Jorge se sorprendi� porque hab�a billetes de 50 y 100 d�lares.
��C�mo puede ser posible esto?�, le reclama a su mujer.
��Porque no todos son tan amarretes como vos!�
Ask Your Boss for a Raise when…
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
You only have to punch information into a compute
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Cuban national song
Q: What’s the Cuban national anthem?
A: “Row, row, row your boat”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Pound Coin
What’s faster than a pound coin rolling down a hill?
The Jew chasing it.
A deadly wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following,
your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim.” If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
“What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.