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The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete he said, “Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English, you’re just lazy,” the doctor replied.
“Okay,” the man said. “Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife.”
President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip — a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
“I’d salute you back, Sergeant,” says the President, “but as you can see, I’ve got my hands full.”
“Yes, sir,” replies the sergeant. “Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.”
“Why, these aren’t pigs,” the President responds. “These are RAZORBACKS!”
“Yes, sir — razorbacks. Sorry, sir.”
“Yup,” Clinton continues. “Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.”
The sergeant replies: “Very good trade, sir — very good trade.”
Once there was a mom and a dad , they had a daughter called angelica.so the
dad was very thirsty because he was driving alot,so he asked his daughter
“sweetheart can i have some of your juice?” and she answer “daddy no drinking
and driving ,that’s what the law says!!!”
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!
13. There go your chances of ever being on “American Idol.”
12. Telltale pork rind crumbs always get trapped in that mustache.
11. Saddam #18 never rinses out the mustache after he’s done with it.
10. You’re the one who always gets stuck signing autographed pictures for Michael Moore and Sean Penn.
9. You only get to sleep with wives #201 and higher.
8. Because he thinks your wave on TV was effeminate, “Your kittens must die!”
7. Your lucrative Iraqi Elvis impersonation career has been put on indefinite hold.
6. Saddam insists you stay every night and practice the mirror routine from “Duck Soup” with him.
5. You have to kiss Chirac on the lips whenever he’s in town.
4. You’re always getting into scuffles with your neighbor, the George W. Bush body double.
3. Sure, you look like him. Yes, you’ve got the mustache. But, for crying out loud, you’re his *mother*!
2. The demand for accuracy requires penis-reduction surgery.
1. Your brother, who looks just like Hugh Hefner, keeps sending Ramadan cards from the Playboy mansion.
I don’t know where you got your face from, but i hope you have the receipt.
what did the male prostitute say to the women at the track meet?wanna go pole vaulting?
En un lugar estaban una chica, un chico y Menem.
El chico se baja los pantalones y muestra el culo y dice: “�ste es como la Amazona: impenetrable.”
La chica muestra las tetas y dice: “�stas son como Estados Unidos: intocables.”
Por �ltimo, el expresidente Menem muestra el pene y dice: “�ste es como la Argentina: nunca se levanta.”
One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, “Liza Jane can I’s look up your dress before the bus gets here?”
Liza Jane was startled and said, “No Rastus you cain’t!”
Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, “Alright if’n it will shut you up you can.”
So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, “Sho is a wonder!”
Well the bus shows up and they gets on.
Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, “Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?” Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, “Sho is a wonder!”
Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, “Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?”
Rastus replies, “What’s that?”
“Every time you look up my dress you says, “Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?”
To which Rastus replies, “Sho is a wonder your guts don’t fall out!!”
Q. Why can’t you trust women?
A. How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. In the beggining of the game the teams flipped a quarter to see who would get the ball first. One of the teams got the ball. The game ended. The guy asked his blonde girlfriend if she liked the game. She replied with a yes and then said they were yelling get the quarterback the whole game though, I cant beleive what would have happened if it had been a dollar!
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn’t.