Q: What gives milk and has one horn?
A: A milk truck!
Author: admin
If you’re American …
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come
out, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
European!
Bank raid
A pregnant women gets caught up in a bank raid and gets shot in the stoumach 3 times
.she survies but the doctors say that each of her children will pee out a bullet when they are older.She has 3 children 2 girls and a boy.when her first daughter is 6 she runs to her mum and says “mummy mummy i wee weed out a bullet” her mum replies “its ok darling”
.when her second daughter is nine she shouts to her mum and says”mum i peed out a bullet” she replies “thats ok”
When her son is 13 he runs down the stairs and “shouts mum mum” she says “calmley i know you peed out a bullet” he says “no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!”.
To be young again…
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”
One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”
Clever Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.”Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Memoirs
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That’s $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified
they couldn’t remember anything.
Blondes can’t think
Q: There was a blonde and a brunette on a cliff they had to jump to get down who do you think got down first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions and fix her makeup.
Yo mama so old…
Yo mama so old her Social Security number is 1.
Step, step, roar…
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was just being the Ring Bear!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Baboon Face
Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?
A quote on marriage
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde
Californiacation
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and
shot it into a thousand pieces. “Don’t you boys worry about it,” said the Texan,
“we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas. ”
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine,
tossed it up, and shot it into smithereens. “Hey, don’t sweat it dudes,” chirped
the Californian, “There’s zillions of bottles of wine in Cal.”
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer,
chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a
beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood
frozen in shock.
“Relax, kids,” said the Seattlite coolly�, Up in Seattle, there’s a freaking’
shipload of Californians. No big deal.”