A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?””Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. “Okay,” she says.After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”They say, “Huh?”She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, “Luke?”Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”Jed says, “You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?””Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.””Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.”Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.””Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”
Author: admin
Social Security
A man came home from the Social Security Office. ‘Honey,’ he said to his wife, ‘I finally convinced them that I’m old enough to collect Social Security.’
‘How?’ his wife asked. ‘Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can’t get a copy of your birth certificate.’
‘I know,’ the man replied, ‘I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I’m old enough.’
His wife retorted, ‘Then while you were at it, why didn’t you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!’
Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
Iowa Farmer Goes to Hell
As everyone knows, farmers NEVER go to hell since they are the caretakers
of the Earth. Unfortunately though, an error occurred and Satan found
himself with a new dilemma: what to do with the farmer?
Satan decided that he would treat the farmer as he treats the rest of his
workers, and make him work in the fields. The temperature in hell was 85
degrees with a humidity of 75%. All the workers were complaining about the
heat and the humidity, but not the farmer. The farmer was sitting there
with a happy expression on his face and whistling a favorite hymn. This
made Satan irate, and Satan went to the farmer and asked, “why are you not
complaining like the rest of the workers?” The farmer responded in
delight, “these conditions remind me of when I was a lad and I was working
in the fields in June with my daddy back in Iowa.”
In a rage, Satan decided to turn the temperature up to 100 degrees, and
have the humidity at 90%! The rest of the workers were swearing up a storm
and the farmer continued to whistle his favorite hymn. Satan, more furious
than ever now went up and demanded the farmer to tell him why he was still
joyful. The farmer replied, “Well, this reminds me of a late day in August
bailing hay with my boys back on our farm in Iowa.” Satan was stumped. He
was so mad, but he did not know what to do.
Then the thought came to Satan. Satan decided to turn the temperature down
to five degrees. The temperature made the workers shiver in anger. Not the
farmer though. The farmer was screaming and dancing; he even did a cart
wheel. Satan, in anger screamed at the old man and said, “how can you
still be so happy even when it is so miserable here?” The farmer
responded, “Well, hell just froze over, you know what that means?”
“The Cyclones just beat the Hawkeyes!”
Calling for the Wife
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out in intervals, “Crisco, Cris-co!!!”
Finally a store clerk approached, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 5.”
“Oh,” replied the gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco. I’m calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named ‘Crisco’?”
“No,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”
“Lard Ass!!!!!”
Wife and a Wheelie b
What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
The Trian!
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”
The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
IBM…
- IBM (Acronym)
- I Blame Microsoft
The math teacher
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Little Johnny
quickly replied, “MTv, Star Moves, Channel-V and the Cartoon Network!”
Your mommas so thick
your mommas so thick she tripped over a cordless phone
Brown and Madam
Good morning, Brown, Brown, Brown, and Brown?
Yes, madam.
May I speak to Mr. Brown, please?
I’m so sorry, Mr. Brown is away sick today.
Oh, then may I speak to Mr. Brown, please?
Mr. Brown is on holiday.
It’s very important, may I speak to Mr. Brown?
Mr. Brown is away from the office on business.
Oh, no! Then I’ll have to speak to Mr. Brown, it’s a matter of life or death!
Mr. Brown speaking!
Atlanta…
Atlanta Coca-Cola is fixing an embarrassing typo in the word “disk”
in copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink.
In the misprint, the “s” is replaced by a “c.” Normally, the small type
under the copyright information states that the “red disk icon and contour
bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co.”