Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.
Author: admin
No Ears!
A man was in a bad accident and was injured but the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. He realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.”Yes. You have no ears.” He quickly eliminated the first candidate.”Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.”Yes. You have no ears.” He quickly eliminated the second candidate.”Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.”Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?””You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have ears!
Men are like…
Men are like toilets — either they’re taken, or full of crap!
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by BreeBrown
My Radio
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to
know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
Wedding Toast 3
Don’t go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don’t keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don’t Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she’ll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy…by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but she’s certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding…
Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight.
Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here’s a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go
and friends may peter out ya know.
But we’ll be friends through thick or thin,
peter out and peter in!
From the football club –
We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You’ll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says “For the woman I love” and the second, “For my best friend.”
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here’s a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here’s to you and here’s to me,
and I hope we never disagree.
But, if that should ever be,
to HELL with you, here’s to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
If you don’t want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it’s curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..
It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he’s married.
It’s always fun to ask at the reception, “What time’s the grand opening?” Or after the honeymoon, “Glad to see you back on your feet.”
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It’s sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..
Skating
Only in America do they have handicap parking places at skating rinks.
Putting Out
He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter.He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair… it’s so curly and thick… it’s BEAUTIFUL.”She says, “Thank you.”He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”She says, “Go ahead.”He says, “Can you PEE through all that hair?”She says, “Of course.”He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”
Los cojudos son como los
Los cojudos son como los eclipses: hay totales y parciales. Por lo tanto, el cojudo mundial promedio viene a ser la equidistancia razonable entre unos y otros, a los que describiremos a continuaci�n:
Optimista: Cree que no es cojudo.
Pesimista: Cree que s�lo �l es cojudo.
Telesc�pico: Desde lejos se le nota lo cojudo.
Fosforescente: Se le nota lo cojudo hasta en la oscuridad.
Aplicado: Se preocupa por aprender cojudeces.
Esf�rico: Es cojudo por el lado que se mire.
Laborioso: Se pasa el d�a haciendo cojudeces.
Petulante: Se enorgullece de sus cojudeces.
Enciclop�dico: Sabe un mont�n de cojudeces.
Simp�tico: Sus cojudeces causan risas.
Literato: Escribe cojudez y media.
Amigable: Tiene puros amigos cojudos.
Campana: Es tan, tan, pero tan cojudo.
Cr�dulo: Cree en cualquier cojudez.
Consciente: Sabe que es cojudo.
Campe�n: Nadie le gana en hacer cojudeces.
De pedigr�: Desciende de cojudos campeones.
Alegre: Se r�e de cualquier cojudez.
Introvertido: A nadie le cuenta sus cojudeces.
Enamorado: Le gusta cualquier cojuda.
L�der: Lo siguen todos los cojudos.
In�til: Ni las cojudeces las hace bien.
Valiente: Se rompe el alma por cualquier cojudo.
Clandestino: Se esconde para hacer sus cojudeces.
Ambicioso: Sue�a con ser un buen cojudo.
Convicto: Esta preso por cojudo.
Hiperactivo: Hace sus cojudeces una tras otra.
Filos�fico: Se pregunta el porqu� de sus cojudeces.
Pol�glota: Dice cojudeces en varios idiomas.
Xerox: Se copia las cojudeces de los dem�s.
Esperanzado: Cree que lo cojudo se le va a quitar.
Ignorante: Todos saben que es cojudo, menos �l.
A�ejo: Con el tiempo se hace m�s cojudo.
Insistente: Hace las mismas cojudeces varias veces.
Radiactivo: Irradia lo cojudo por doquier.
De Hierro: No se cansa de hacer cojudeces.
Ecol�gico: Es cojudo por naturaleza.
Precavido: Es cojudo… por si acaso.
Multifac�tico: Es el que abarca m�s de una clasificaci�n.
Curioso: El que lee esta cojudez.
Coma Cure
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh.The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough.The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn’t want the man to be embarrassed.The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, ”She choked.”
The Squirrel
Where did the squirrel hide his nuts?
In the bag under the log!
Did you hear that Buckwheat
Did you hear that Buckwheat joined the nation of Islam?
He is now known as “Kareem of Wheat”.
Yo mama so poor…
Yo mama so poor I walked into her house, asked her to use the toilet and she handed me 2 large sticks.
I asked what are they’re for and she says use one to hold up the ceiling, and the other one is to fight of the roaches .