Adam wore a fig leaf.
Eve wore none at all.
The fun began in autumn,
When the leaves began to fall.
Author: admin
A Bar
A man walked into a bar……Ouch!!!!!!!!
When you go into court
When you go into court you are putting
yourself in the hands of 12 people that
weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Diaper Change
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”
How to piss a cop off
1) When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, officer, there’s no blood in
my alcohol?”
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer
doesn’t go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the
hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your
fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong
name.”
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the
last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right
when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your name sounded
familiar….
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the
plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about, DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm… only 5 of you here tonight…
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, the
last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50) Oops… I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58) If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your
thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was
bigger.
62) Stare at the lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
I made yo mamma cry
i told yo mamma she was so fat she had to play pool with the plantets
Bill Clinton’s My Way
(To the tune of My Way)
And now, my end is near;
I’ll try to hide my raging fury.
I thought I made things clear;
I testified to Starr’s Grand Jury.
I answered every charge,
In my deny, deny, deny-way.
And yes, as for that dress,
I stained it my way!
Yet, there were times, I’m sure you knew,
When Monica bit off more than she could chew.
But now you know, there is no doubt;
She ate it good — then spit it out.
It hit her dress. It made a mess.
I stained it my way!
I’ve had my share of chicks,
Like Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers.
And then there’s Monica,
Who did the deed — for hours and hours…
We did it in my car,
While driving every D.C. highway.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!
Regrets, I’ve got a few;
But then again, just ’cause they caught me.
I did who I wanted to do,
But that Ken Starr — he always fought me.
I’ve had all of those babes;
And may I say – not in a shy way.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!
For what is Bill Clinton — what has he got?
If not some chick, then he has naught.
He does the things he truly feels;
And not the acts of ONE WHO KNEELS.
The record shows I TOOK THE BLOWS —
I STAINED IT MY WAY!!!
Holiday
A husband and wife are driving back from their holiday in France.
Near the border they knock over a skunk on the side of the road.
Alarmed, the wife runs out the car to see if the skunk is ok. It turns out that it is fine with no cuts or broken bones.
Relieved the wife askes her husband if they can keep the skunk as they almost had killed it.
No of course not says the husband but the wife, after some time, persuaded her husband to keep him.
As they reach the boarder to cross into England, the husband tells the wife to hide the skunk.
“But where will I put him” she yells.
“Hide him in your pants, no one will be able to tell there” he replies.
“But what about the smell.”
“Well,” the husbands pauses, “If it dies, it dies!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Stunt In The Pub
It was one evening in a pub and after guzzling down six beers,
the man wanted to go home, when he realized he had no money. So
he tried to sneak out when the blond barman said, “Uhm… will
you pay for your drinks please?” The man replied, “I paid you
remember?” “OK then,” the blond bartender replied, “If you said
you paid me then you must have paid me.”
So the man, fair chuffed with what had happened walked down the
street and saw his mate going towards the very same pub.
“You going the pub?” the man asked. “yeah!” his mate replied.
“Well you can get free beers. If he asks you to pay just say
you’ve already paid.”
So he did, and got away with it. So he told his mate who was a
tramp and would lick the ground for a little food. He had no
money and could never afford a beer.
So in went the tramp and ordered a beer.
The bartender said, “You know what? Two people have got away
with free pints tonight and the next person that tries it on
will get their ass kicked out of the pub.”
The tramp replied, “No time to listen! Just pass me my change
and I’ll drink this and be on my way.”
“How much change was it again?”
Your momma is like a tv
your mamma is like a tv. a two year old turns her on
The Gift
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend’s birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend’s younger sister, he went to Herrod’s and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.
Mommy & babys
mommy duck and baby duck,mommy skunk and baby skunk where crossing the road. mommy duck and mommy skunk got run over, so baby skunk and baby duck where lost, they didnt know what they where ( no mirrors etc)so they decided to go and seek council from the wize owel. they asked him what are we the owel replied to the duck you are white and have feathers so your a duck. the skunk said what about me! the owel replied well, your black and you stink so you are unmistakably a paki lol