A man goes to hell and is very upset and is crying.
The devil approaches him and says that hell is not such a bad
place
” Hell’s ok” And the devil says “When you were alive did you
like women?”
The man replies “Loved them, they are great!”
“Well, you are going to love Monday’s, you can have any women
and as many as you like” says the devil.
“What about drinking, alchol?” says the devil.
“Well, I had my own home brew and drinking was my hobby” says
the man.
“Tuesday, all the alchol you can have and of any sort” says the
devil.
“Now what about drugs?” says the devil.
“I dabbled in drugs at college.” says the man.
“Wednesday all the drugs you want.” says the devil.
“Now what about men? Did you, you know, like men?” says the
devil.
“Absolutely not, no way!” says the man.
“Well your going to hate Thursday then!” says the devil.
Author: admin
A Blond and an Ocean
There are 3 people, a blond, a red head, and brunett. They are
all stranded on an island and want to reach the other side.
First the red head goes into the ocean, swims half way gets
tired and drowned. Then the brunett swims half way ,gets tired
and drowned. Finally the blond swim half way, gets tired and
swims back!
Drooling banjoes
How can you tell the stage you’re playing on is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Car break trouble
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?”I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.””No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.””Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
Lost girlfriend
A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.
The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.
He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.
The drunk says “You have to help me, I can’t find my car”.
The bartender ask’s “Where did you last see it?”
The drunk replies “It was right here on the end of my key”.
The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him “come on back in, I’ll turn on the lights and call you a cab”.
When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.
He told the man “Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out”!!
The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed “OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!
You Know
Once there was a man who went to the pet store. As he walked in
the door, he spotted a parrot and stopped to look at it. The
parrot looked back at him and said, “You are SO ugly. You are
uglier than ten miles of horrible roads. You are uglier than…”
The parrot went on for a few more minutes until the manager came
out. He was so appalled at what the parrot was saying that he
opened the cage, took the parrot out by the neck, and shook him.
He looked right into his face and said, “You just try that one
more time and I’ll fillet you for lunch. And I mean that!” He
shoved him back in the cage, and profusely apologized to the
man. The man shrugged and went along with his shopping. After
he was done, he started to walk out the door, but decided to
glance at the parrot one more time.
“You know,” the parrot smarted.
Redneck Theft
You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.
What do you call…
…something with 100 eyes,300 legs and every coler of the rainbow?
i dont know
The Pope calls a meeting
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states,
“I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.” Of
course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope
tells them, “Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified.”
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up,
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, “He was calling from
Salt Lake City.”
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter…
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.
Q: How many Californians
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
How do you drown a
How do you drown a Haitian?
Give him a shoebox and tell him it floats.