Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come anyway.
Author: admin
Conflict of Interest
Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!
Pope News
I was reading in the paper today that the Pope has banned Pre-Marital sex, Extra Marital sex, beastiality, Homosexuality, contraception, Sado masichism, necrophelia and masturbation.
Lucky I got that lot out of the way on Monday then!
Military Wisdom!
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you’re ready for them. When you’re not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
The book
when does a book green?????
answer:when it is read.(red)
Truth in Advertising
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.” Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie…
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it
take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control
the means of production!
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Q: How many doctors
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
In an elevator…
When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream ‘that’s mine’. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. Ask, ‘Did you feel that?’Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.When the doors close, announce to the others, ‘It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again.’ Call out ‘group hug’, and then enforce it.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Statisticians
Three statisticians are hunting when they see a deer in the clearing. One of them shoots and misses by ten feet to the left. The next one missis by ten feet to the right. The third one jumps up and yells, “We got him!”
More Wonderments!
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids?”
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey’s and apes?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a “s” in it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?