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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not your fault that the dog died.
He’s probably on his way up to heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, could not be consoled.
Tears poured out as she said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
A woman, impatiently waiting for her husband to get off the computer asks
in a frenzy of madness.
“Why is a modem any better than a woman?!”
The man, sitting up, did not have to think at all.
“Well, dear, the answer is right under your nose.” He said, patting the
CPU. “You see, the modem doesn’t complain if I sit here and play games, A
modem doesn’t mind if I talk to other modems, a modem doesn’t have purse
it can hit you with when it gets mad. And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is
that a modem comes with an instruction manual.”
-Isis
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join …. even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I’ll start a war!
The public’s easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Yo mama’s so big, fat and clumsy, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she
stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.
Starting with:
Work
———- = Power
Time
Since Knowlege = Power, and Time = Money, we have
Work
———— = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
—————– = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
Stick your finger in his honey!
Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and by then it was too late!
Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.”Don’t you mean ovaries ?” the doc says.”No” she says.”We had better have a look” says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says “You’re right, It looks like there’s been a cockatoo up there”
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.”Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.”Stupid”, replied Stupid.The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. “Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.”Shut Up!””Stupid!”The police chief was very riled. He then asked” Are you looking for trouble?”!!!Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,”Why yes, how did you know?”
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” She asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT ?!” The teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
Submitted by Jasmine
Editted by Calamjo and Curtis
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.