As I was sitting in my chair
I saw the bottom wasn’t there
nor legs nor back but I just sat
ignoring little things like that
Author: admin
Nobody thinks the Giants won.
What’s the difference between George W. Bush and the New York Giants?
Nobody thinks the Giants won.
I’ve learned that you cannot
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you
can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….
A doctor fell into a well once….
A doctor fell into a well once.
He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last…
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las
Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, “Honey, pack your
bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.”
His wife say, “That’s wonderful. What should I pack for…Europe, the
Carribean?”
He says, “I don’t care, just be gone when I get home.”
A quote on marriage
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke
Your birth announcement included the
Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat”.You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Change a light bulb
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch do it by herself.
OR
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Impotence
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”
MS TV Dinner
MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
The White House says President
The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton, “The
exact time hasn’t been announced. Aides are still trying to fit it in
between fund-raisers.”