Two men were walking along the street one day when they saw a huge hole on
the street. The first one said, “The government ought to pave these roads
better. That hole looks huge!” The second one said, “I’ve seen bigger.”
The first one asked, “Where?” The second one replied, “Up your mama’s ass.”
Author: admin
Orchestra joke
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Grace land was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling�s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the argali and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fianc�e, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here’s an episode of “He Haw” that we haven’t seen.
05. I don’t have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
Origins of the Toothbrush
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia because “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”
Comments on Children
“Children are like animals at the zoo. They are nice to visit, but you shouldn’t take one home.” — Arlene L.
This is what I’ve always said about pregnancy/childbirth: “I saw ‘Alien,’ and I’m NOT doing THAT!” — Unknown
THANK YOU FOR NOT BREEDING (bumper sticker)
“If I ever decide I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet… I’ll put shoes on my cats.” — Magnetic Graffiti Co
How can you trust me with a baby if you can’t trust me with a choice? (bumper sticker)
“In America, there are two modes of travel: First Class and With Children” — Robert Benchley
“Children are a sexually transmitted disease.” — Unknown
“I would get pregnant only if I could be sure I’d have puppies.” — Cynthia Nelms
“Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children.” — William Penn
“All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.” — Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, _Metropolitan Life_, 1978
“The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.” — Paul Ehrlich, American scientist
“The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.” — Clarence Darrow, American lawyer and reformer.
“Bachelors’ wives and old maids’ children are always perfect.” — Nicholas Chamfort, French writer
“I love children. Especially when they cry — for then someone takes them away.” — Nancy Mitford, British writer
“Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the farm yard, except that children are more troublesome and costly than chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.” — George Bernard Shaw, [Quasi-]British playwright
Is she ATC ?
Is she ATC?
No, she is 85 B!
Extra pillow
One night a man was going to bed with his wife.He put an extra pillow on his pillow.His wife asked:”Why are you putting two pillows under your head” and he replied:”Because I haven`t slept for two nights!”.
Try to be the best
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Vaseline research
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
“Good morning madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?”
“Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, grazes and burns.”
“Do you use it for anything else?”
“Like what?”
“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out.”
The Top 13 Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items
13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky
12. An intersection without a Starbucks
11. A stale Twinkie
10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor
9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC
8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209
7. The name and address of that Las Vegas “hostess” who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep
6. Joe Piscopo’s career
5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills
4. A Windex sandwich
3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college
2. A volume from Posh Spice’s Nietzsche library
1. Osama bin Laden’s “Girls of the Arabian Peninsula” exercise video
Little Johnny at it again!
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today’s lesson.
“I’ll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let’s begin. A”
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ‘ass’ or ‘asshole’. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said “apple”.
“Very good”, said the teacher, “now B”.
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said “ball”.
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to “R”. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R”. So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: “R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin’ Rat!”
Grapes hahaha
Three guys are walking along a road and it is getting dark so they have to find a place to stay! There is an old farm house so they walk up to it and ask the man if they can stay there the night, he says no because i dont want you to fool around with my daughter. They promise him they wouldnt and he says that they can stay in the barn but if he caught them he would shoot them. Later that night the daughter crept out to the barn, and the farmer caught them fooling around. He said now im gunna shoot yas well the 3 guys pleaded with him because the daughter came out to the barn eventually the farmer gave in, he said to them go out to my orchirds and pick 100 of your favourite fruit. They did as they were told. The first guy, Bob, came back and he had picked 100 green seedless grapes. In another room the farmer made him shove them up his ass. Bob left the room feeling a little bit green himself, but did not tell the other guys what was in store for them.
The second guy, John, walked in he had picked 100 red seeded grapes. The farmer made him shove them up his ass. At around 75 grapes, John laughed so hard he shitted about 30 out. The farmer told him to get on with it but again at 90 he shit about 20 out. The farmer yells Geez, boy whats the matter with you and John yells back in hysterics I was just looking out the window and Harry is out there picking watermelons!!!