Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don’t know why I always have to do everybody else’s work anyway.
Author: admin
Q: How many Californians
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
CHANGES IN A GOVERNMENT RUN BY PRO WRESTLERS
* Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered
acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
* President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18
inches from TV camera.
* IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
* Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by
a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners – Hey, wait a minute…
* Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest,
meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
* Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
* January 20: Inauguration ceremonies. January 21: FDA approves
over-the-counter sale of steroids Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask
and cape out of the house.
* During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a
folding chair.
* Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
* Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
* Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
* Before: Mr. Vice President.
After: Stone Cold Al Gore .
Too many cheetahs
Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
How to liven up
How to liven up Thanksgiving dinner…
Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
Shoot olive pits at Grampa’s glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)
Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud ”BUZZ”ing noise.
Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking.
Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
Hold your nose while you eat.
Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing”.
Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your ”shake” back to the table.
Announce that you’ve got a new fear of choking.
When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, ”THE SAFETY IS ON”, while you hold your pocket.
None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Snow!Snow who?Snow use,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Snow!Snow who?Snow use, I’ve forgotten my key again!
Polish Power Outage
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland?
In Poland’s largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
Aids or Alzheimers?
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.
The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.”
“What do you mean!” The guy says, “Can’t you tell the difference?”
“Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – don’t have sex with her anymore!”
A small boy is wandering
A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises
decides to open a door. He says “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in that room…
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s a buck, leave us alone.”
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says:
“Wow, it’s dark here!” “Not you again! Here, take this and
go buy yourself something.” And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened
to his mother. She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church,
and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Are you following me around?”
Naked Man and Nuns
Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly.”What should we do?” one sister frantically asked.”Show him your cross.” the other said.”Hey, mister, ” the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, “get the fuck out of my way!”
Blonds Canoeing
One day a blond was canoeing in a cornfield.
another blond drove up and said” you stupid blond, u make us blonds look like total idiots, if I could swim I would come out there and punch you.