Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Author: admin
Men And Beer Bottles
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
Airplane Crash
There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetary.The Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging…..
Why Cats are better
Why Cats Are Better Than MenA CAT always hits the litter box.Better chance of training a CAT.No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.You can de-claw a CAT…but try to get a guy to clip his toenails.It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.You don’t have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness…a man thinks he is.If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food…
I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
“So many channels. . .
So little choice.
Cowboys
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
The cowboys turn to look at her.
“Kin yah swallow? asked one of the cowboys.
The woman shakes her head “No”.
“Kin yah breathe?” asks the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to turn blue, shakes her head “NO” again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.
This sends the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”
The Rescue
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, �Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.� The boy replied, �I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.�
Llega una se�ora con su
Llega una se�ora con su hija a una farmacia. La mam� ped�a algunas cosas mientras la ni�a curioseaba en el mostrador y le pregunta a su mam�:
“Oye mam� �que es cond�n?”
La mam� se asombra y le dice: “Es algo para que no te embaraces.”
Despu�s de un rato la ni�a dice a su mam�:
“Mira, mam�, ese paquete trae dos.”
“C�llate, ese es para los de prepa, uno el s�bado y otro el domingo.”
“Mira mam�, ese trae tres.”
“C�llate, ese es para los de universidad, uno el viernes otro el s�bado y otro el domingo.”
“Mira mam�, ese trae 12.”
“Ese es para tu pap�, uno en enero, otro en febrero, otro en marzo…”
Redneck quickies 8
You might be a redneck if…You go to the family reunion to pick up women. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
Full of crap…
You’re so full of crap your eyes are brown
Speaking part
John’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Be careful what you wish for
There was A blond coyboy was in a dessert and he was riding a camel. After his camel died the man decided to walk on…… after a few hours the man collapsed, the only thing he saw was something sticking out of the ground he went to it. it was a breif case the man opened it and out poped a ginnie and it was a girl and she looked like a floating reporter she said bla bla while looking through the rule book. she said “i am your ginnie you have 3 wishes” and the man said ok my first wish will be to have food and water all over. poof !!! every where he looked he was surrounded by food and water. the ginnie came again she said wht is your second wish the man said i wish to be the richest man in the world. POOF!!! there was pots of gold every where he looked. the ginnie soon returned and said what is your final wish its your last for ever and you had better make it a good one. he said ok i wish every where i go beautiful young women woulg want and need me. POOF!!! she turned him into a tampon!