Author: admin

Trucker and Blonde

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OK, so there’s this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She’s cruisin’ about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, “Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!” She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, “While you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle!”

Adult

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there were to guys they were really drunk but one was drunker then the other. They decided to get them selfes some whores. So they went to the whore house and said I want two whores for me and my buddy here. The lady
said well I can give you one the others are either out with a customer or are sick , so you can have me but I also have blow up dolls. Hmm He thought for a minute and then said ok my buddy here is so drunk he will not even notice the differnce. So they took the ladys to the local hotel for the night. so the next day the met at the front of the hotel
and the guy who was alot more drunk akedthe not so drunk guy how was your night and he said it was pretty good. Then the not so drunk guy asked the really drunk guy how was your night he said it was good till she I bit her tit she let a fart and flew out the window.

Which Hole

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know
or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil
brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to
Heaven.

Life of cows and bulls

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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say “moo.” Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, “Moo? What’s the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?” “Isn’t it obvious?” the bull replies. “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

Blonde and Redhead

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”

The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet. You won the money.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied,… “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Federal Employee Evaluation

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1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

14. A room temperature IQ.

15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

22. Fell out of the family tree.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.

24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. He is so dense, light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Ghost

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Robert a 70 year old man was unable to take a crap for many days
so he decided to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor. Waiting
in the room the nurse comes in to take his vitals, the nurse
asked him, “Sir what seems to be the problem?” Robert says,
“Well I’m having a hard time taking a crap and I have tried
everything and I don’t know what else to do.” The nurse says,
“Well you’re in the right place. We’ll take care of you.” The
doctor comes in and asks him as well, “So, what’s the problem?”
Robert says, “I can’t take a crap. I need help.” “Well we will
take care of this!! Nurse, prepare for a enema.” Says the
doctor. The doctor leaves and the nurse prepares to get things
together. The nurse says to Robert, “Now sir you need to lay on
your side and relax while I insert this. It will be a little
cold at first.” Robert prepares for the cold shock by holding on
to the side rail.

Making faces and moaning he begins to tell the nurse, “What the
hell are you doing down there!!” “We’re just about finished,”
said the nurse, “But now I have to tell you that you’ll need to
hold this in as much as you can. I have to run and get a bed pan
for you. If you go before I come back I’ll get in trouble
because the doctor does not like it for us to leave. But someone
forgot to leave a clean bedpan in here. I’ll be right back.” The
nurse said. While she was gone Robert kept his butt cheeks very
tight trying to hold it in, wondering where the nurse is, he
begun to squirm and roll around, and then all of a sudden he LET
GO and crapped all over the bed and himself. It was a mess!!
Remembering what the nurse said he rushed to clean it up and
taking the soiled bedclothes and gown off and wondering where to
hide it.

Hearing the nurse coming closer he threw them out the window!
But while he was throwing them out the window a poor old man was
taking a very nice walk, and all of a sudden the soiled
bedclothes landed on him. He screamed and ran back home with
crap all over him. He rushes into his home. His wife ran to him
and asked him, “What the hell happened to you?!” The husband says
to her, “I don’t know but I think I just beat the crap out of a
ghost!!”

Bush Hasn’t Got Time To Explain

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(instrumental intro)
All those crazy right wingers cried, “Saddam’s a creep.”
Bush will send bombers and fake out sheep for his war.
‘Cause Bush hasn’t got time to explain…
He hasn’t got room to explain…
He won’t feel the need to explain.
“Convinced!” says W.
We’re going now – doesn’t matter what we find.
No backing down – he’s made up his mind.
‘Cause Bush hasn’t got time to explain…
He hasn’t got room to explain…
He won’t feel the need to explain.
“Convinced!” says W.
Suffering poll drops is this king; he wants Saddam, dead or alive.
Oil means just how much it costs to survive in this world.
Bush has shown us now, how oil fills his heart with love.
Why won’t he ‘fess up? We think it’s all that he loves.
Black gold pool from heaven.
He hasn’t got time to explain.
He hasn’t got room to explain.
He won’t feel the need to explain.
“Convinced!” says W.
He hasn’t got time to explain.
He hasn’t got room to explain.
He won’t feel the need to explain.
“Convinced!” says W.
(repeat refrain and fade)

Kid reading bible

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at
the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he
picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had
been pressed in between pages.

“Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s
suit!!!!!”

Going To Town

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One day a Tom was going to town and with him he had a butterfly on the way to town there was a man sitting by a shack with a sombrero on. As Tom reached the man , he was asked “Hey what you got there”? Tom replied “I got a butterfly, I’m going to town to get me some butter” The man in the sombrero repliedin a spanish accent “You no get no butter” Tom shrugged and then went on into town . Hours later here came Tom with a pound of butter.The next week Tom went back into town this time he had a horsefly and again sat the man in the sombrero.”What you got there”?asked the man Tom replied “I got me a horsefly,I’m going into town to get me a horse”. The man just looked at him and then said”You won’t get no horse”. Sure enough a few hours later here comes Tom with a horse. The man in the sombrero was starring with bewildermentbut said nothing. Well a few weeks went by and Here came Tom again and the man in the sombrero asked,”What you got there”? And Tom said “Got me a pussywillow going to go into town…” And before Tom could finish the man in the sombrero replied “hold on I’m coming with you”.

Taxidermist

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This guy walks into a bar down in Georgia and orders a Grape Nephi. Surprised,
the bartender looks around and says, “You isn�t from around here. Where you
from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Pennsylvania�.
The bartender asks, “What do you do up in Pennsylvania?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist�.
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… what the hell is a taxidermist?”
The guy says, “I mount dead animals�.
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of
us!”