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Golf Humor

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* A “handicapped golfer” is a man who plays golf with his wife.

* I have a nephew who’s so good at golf, he’s been offered a
full scholarship to medical school.

* Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged. He
asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.

* Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of “hookers” and his wife isn’t the least bit concerned.

* Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the income tax forms ever filed.

* Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the
time. Anytime one golfer calls another a “liar” they’re probably
telling the truth.

* Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. I knew one
fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered “zero” on his card.

* Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland
State Highway that sometimes people would “sneak-away” for a
game of golf during the day. I had forgotten which course my
friend Dan said to meet him on and called, only to have his
secretary said, “I’m sorry he’s away from his desk right now.”
Knowing she’d never admit where he really was, I asked, “Tell
me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away?”

Confucius says

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Confucius says:

‘Passionate kiss, like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.’

‘Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.’

‘Man who run in front of car get tired.’

‘Man who run behind car get exhausted.’

‘Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.’

‘Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.’

‘Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.’

‘Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.’

‘Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.’

‘Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.’

‘Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.’

�War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.’

‘Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.’

‘Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.’

‘It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.’

‘Man who drive like hell bound to get there.’

�Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.’

‘Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.’

�He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.’

‘Man who farts in church sits in own pew.’

‘Man with one chopstick go hungry.’

3 friends

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There were 3 boys one called shit the another called fuck and the 3rd one called manners, they all went for a bike ride one day and shit fell off his bike, fuck went to the police station to get help as it was very close and manners went to help shit who had fallen off his bike, fuck got into the police station and a police man said whats your name “fuck” police man asks again whats your name “fuck” where are your manners? “Up the road picking up shit”

The speech

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’.”

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well,” he explained “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure’…….”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

rude jerk

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this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys that’s bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?

Training

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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said,
“All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause
this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to
get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we’re going down the tracks!”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind
of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice
language.”

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say “All passengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue. “For those of you just boarding, we ask you
to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today.”

Then, the child added, “And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen.”

The Two Twins and Majibo

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there were two twins, Elikem And Stephen. They liked to fool to people and laugh at them as their hobbies.

One day, they met a man called Majibo. A very big headed man with a big body a heavy black boo.

They started to laugh at him.
Then Majibo shouted to his friend to catch him.
This is what ensued between the twins and MAjibo when they were broight to him.

Majibo: Why did you boys laugh at me

The Twins: We were not laughing at you but your black heavy boo and body

Majibo: ok, come over here

majibo called some of his friends to call them and he said that they should be naked right away.

The Twins : why are you doing this majibo, dont you have some of our boos.

Majibo: do you want to see it??

The Twins : yes of course

the majibo removed his boo and he used his kortie to beat them until they bevame fat as him.

by :
Emmanuel and Abideen

Zen and the art of Hot dogs

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The zen master went up to the hot dog vendor and said, ‘Make me One with Everything.’The hot dog vendor put one on a bun with the catsup, mustard, pickalilly, onions, and pickle and handed it to the zen master. The zen master gave the hot dog vendor a $20 and the hot dog vendor put the $20 in his cash drawer.The zen master said ‘Where is my change?’And the hot dog vendor said ‘Change comes from within.’

One True Wish

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A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come
upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and
throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish
also. Unfortunately he leans over too far, falls down into the
well and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and
then exclaims, “Holy cow, it works!”