Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’ So what’s the speed of dark? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them? Isn’t Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it? How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word? If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a ‘non-sufficient funds’ fee on money they already know that you don’t have? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there five syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’? Why do scientists call it ‘research’ when they are looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it that when a door is open, it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?Why do we wait until a pig is dead to ‘cure’ it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its ‘4s’? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Author: admin
A little Snail
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.The snail says, ‘What the heck was that all about?’
Coming out of the closet
In a small town some where in Illinois lies a family. It consisted of a husband, wife, three sons, and a daughter. One of the sons had a terrible secret.”Dad, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m gay,” said the son.The Dad was furious he couldn’t believe that one of his sons was gay.A year had passed and his second son approached him and told a very bad secret.”Dad, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m gay.”The Dad went crazy again, he couldn’t believe that two out of three sons were gays.Another year had passed and the third son came forward. “Dad I know you’re not going to want to hear this but, I’m gay.The Dad was enraged he started shouting “DOESN’T ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY LIKE GIRLS ANYMORE?!!”The daughter said, “I do, I do!”
HAHA 6 ballz!!
What has 6 balls and screws you 2 times?
The lottery!!!
Taliban Snippet
How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
Seeing Eye Dogs
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
Different Ways To Sa
A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney’s clogged. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine’s out of thread. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky’s kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody’s home. 24 cents short of a quarter.
A plane flying in the 1930s
In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.”$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.” “Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
Elephant and Mouse
An elephant was walking through the jungle. He stepped on a
thorn and started to cry. “OW, OW! This hurts! Somebody help
me!” Just then, a little mouse passed by.
“Oh, please, little mouse!” the elephant pleaded. “Please take
this thorn out of my foot! It really hurts!”
“No Way!!” cried the mouse. “I know you! You stepped on my
brother last week!”
“I’m sorry about that! Just, please! Help me! I’ll do anything!”
cried the elephant.
“Anything?” replied the mouse skeptically.
“Yes! I promise!” swore the elephant.
“Well, okay!” said the mouse.
So the mouse pulled the thorn out of the elephant’s foot,
causing instant relief.
“Thank you little mouse!” said the elephant. “What can I do to
repay you?”
The mouse smiled and said, “Now, you have to let me have my way
with you.”
The elephant was horrified. But, he did promise the mouse he’d
do anything, so he reluctantly obliged.
So the mouse climbed on top of the elephant and started fucking
him as fast as his little mouse body could.
Just then, some monkeys were sitting in a tree, watching,
disgusted at this mouse fucking an elephant. So they started
throwing coconuts at the elephant’s head.
“Ow!” cried the elephant as the coconuts bashed his tender
skull. “That hurts! Stop it!”
The mouse kept going and said, “Yeah! Take it all, bitch! Take
it all!”
You’re a redneck … anyone in your family
You’re a redneck if …. Anyone in your family died right after saying “Hey,
Y’all watch this!”.
Policemen in Heaven
St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.””Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”A few moments later a second man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.””Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”A few moments later a third man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a Military Policeman, Sir.””Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?”
Wedding practical joke
Variation of return your keysAnother twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.