Q. What do you call a girl with pig tales?
A. A Blow job with handles.
Author: admin
A woman decides to have a facelift for her…
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and
feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?”
“About 32”, the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, “I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really good about
herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He
replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires
you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can
tell exactly how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says, “What the hell, go ahead”.
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to
feel around.
After about 20 seconds she says, “Okay, Okay, how old am I?”
He removes his hands and says, “You are 47.”
Stunned the woman says, “That is amazing. How did you know?”.
The old man replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
Useless Information Con`t….
*giraffs can clean their ears with their tongues
*during your lifetime you eat the weight of 60 elephants
*millions of trees around the world are planted by squierrels when they forget about their hidden nuts
*1 recycled glass jar has enough engerie to run a tv for 3 hours
*apples are more efficent to keep you awake then coffee
*ants stretch when they wake up
*the planet earth weighs 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tonnes
*the sun is 330,330 times bigger than the earth
*dolphins sleep with 1 eye open
* the nails on your hands grow approximentaly 4 times faster than your toenails
*piguens are the only birds that can swim, but they dont fly
*their are 13,092 forks, knives and spoons in the White House
*an elephant is the only mammel that cant jump
*your feet have 1/4 of the bones in your body
*there are more than 52.6 million dogs in the United States
Time
An ‘American’ tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn’t want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel–the only one in town and which always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder perched on a stool beside his camel.
“Excuse me, sir,” the man asked, “but could you tell me the time?”
The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel….and hefted the animal’s testicles. After a moment, he released them. “It is 10 minutes before noon,” he replied.
The couple exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal. Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal’s balls they approached him and asked again, “Sir, can you tell us the time?”
They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel’s jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, “It is half-past four.”
The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, “Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!?
“Surely,” the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him. “Now, grasp his jewels gently and lift them up to his belly.” The woman did so while her companion watched.
“What now?”, she inquired.
“Now,” said the old man, “look over there — can you now see the clock in the far tower? When the big hand is on the…….”
Two-bit Whore
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?”The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.””Yeah,” says the bartender. “What did she do?””She hit me with her bag of quarters!”
Answers in aBible knowledge test
Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test
1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness’s in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, “thou shalt not admit adultery”
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod’s
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage
16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony
18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals
If everything is coming your
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
Air Control
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
“What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand
is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,
it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour”.
No sex for an eagle!
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”
The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s…
Father O’Malley!”
Truly Fucked!!
If at first you dont succeed, fuck the world and smoke some weed.
If your girl doesnt wanna have sex, ditch her ass and go to the
next.
If you ever catch your girl cheating, bash the guys head till
his brains start leaking.
If your car starts to smell fishy, tell the girl to go wash her
pussy.
If your girl says with her your stuck, then my boy you are truly
fucked!!
It’s not what you know; it’s who you know.
Bill Gates gets a memo from God.
“I am sending you this message because you are the richest man in the
world. On the seventh hour of the seventh day of the seventh month in the
year 2000 the world will end. Make sure that you use this information
wisely.”
GOD
The next day Microsoft’s Marketing manager gets a memo from Bill.
“All people who purchase and install Microsoft Software will receive a
free state of the art computer on the 8 of July 2000, all software
included.”
BILL
Estando Pepito en la escuela,
Estando Pepito en la escuela, la maestra comienza a preguntar a los estudiantes qu� estaban construyendo cerca de su casa, pero antes les dice a las ni�as que cuando le preguntara a Pepito salieran corriendo cuando ella aplaudiera, porque Pepito era muy majadero.
La maestra comienza a preguntarle a los alumnos, “A ver Juanito, �qu� est�n construyendo cerca de tu casa?”
A lo que contesta Juanito “un Centro Comercial, maestra”
“Muy bien”, replica la maestra, y como ya les hab�a preguntado a todos los alumnos, le toca el turno a Pepito:
“�Qu� estan construyendo cerca de tu casa Pepito?”
Y Pepito contesta, “Un cabaret maestra.”
En eso la maestra empieza a aplaudir y todas las ni�as salen corriendo, y Pepito les grita, “��Esperen pinches putas, todav�a no lo inauguran!!”