Un matrimonio llega a la

Un matrimonio llega a la admisi�n de urgencias del centro de salud de su barrio. El marido con el pene en la mano y su mujer con una gran quemadura en el hombro y la cabeza llena de chichones. Cuando el m�dico les ve, intrigado les pregunta:

“�Qu� les ha pasado que vienen as�?”

“Ha sido un accidente dom�stico”.

“�Un accidente dom�stico y vienen de esta manera? �C�mo ha sido?”

“Pues ver�: esta ma�ana sal� de casa hacia el trabajo y, cuando eran aproximadamente las doce, vi que hab�a olvidado coger unos documentos. As� que volv� a recogerlos. Cuando llegu� a la cocina encontr� a mi mujer desnuda haciendo una tortilla de patatas. La acarici� con tanta ternura que ella se volvi� hacia m� y empez� a besarme en el cuello. Fue bajando y bes�ndome hasta introducir mi pene en su boca. Entonces, vi que la tortilla de patatas se quemaba; cog� la sart�n por el mango elev�ndola para darle la vuelta en el aire, con tan mala suerte que no acert� al bajarla, y le cay� a mi mujer en la espalda. Ella, al quemarse, apret� los dientes y me mordi� en el pene y yo, para que me soltara, cog� el rodillo de cocina y le di unos cuantos golpes en la cabeza”.

Only an Alchie…

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on ourforehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies. “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. “Sorry I’m a little late.  I had to stop by the drugstore.”
9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
8. “Please come inside?  Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”
7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
6. “I just got my license today.”
5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature.”
4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
2. “Hi.  I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.'”
1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.December 6Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7Debug Windows ’95December 10Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11Lay Fabrege egg.December 12Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade ‘holiday scents’ in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in colored glitter and confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.December 22Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.December 25Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.December 26Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 31New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

The landlord

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

“This place,” the guide told them, “is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years.”

“Wow,” said one woman dryly, “they must have the same landlord I do.”

Your momma

your momma is so fat, she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.

your momma is so big, when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped goodyear on her ass and put her on a runway.

your momma is so fat, she uses a vcr as a beeper.

your momma is so fat, she influences the tide.

Your mother is so stupid, on her application under education she put HOOKED ON PHONICS

your momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.

your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.

your momma is so old, she proof read the ten commandments.

your momma is so stupid, on here application under sex, she put twice a week.

your momma is so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 miniutes.

your mommas so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on the soul train.

your momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & M’s factory for throwing away all the W’s.