An actual E-mail add

The Following is an actual e-mail I recieved the other day. I have removed the E-mail adresses for obvious reasons. I swear this is real

Subj: NICK DEWALL
Date: 12/12/2003 1:08:59 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: *****@*****.de
To: **********@***.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)

dsjhcdzjfdjsrch

Hi,

Tired of unwanted email advertisements? TAKE CONTROL BACK OVER YOUR EMAIL

Visit: http://www.netoffersforyou.biz/say.htm

Not interested in our news letter anymore?
Double click Your Mouse Here
dychkjmgeqovdczxkrqdfdtcofog

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. “The Man Who Died of Old Age”
9. “How Cujo Got His Groove Back”
8. “Here’s Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon”
7. “Vacuumstarter”
6. “The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office”
5. “The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee —
He Didn’t Drink It, But What If He Did?”
4. “The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover”
3. “Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday’s”
2. “Hi I’m Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons”
1. “Satan’s Independent Prosecutor”

Sex in the dark

Sex in the darkJane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp….. only to discover a cucumber in his hand.”Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 5 years!?!””Honey, let me explain!””Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a –“”Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “maybe you’d care to explain our 3 kids!!!”

The Ocotpus!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”

The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”

The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”

The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He’s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, “alright lets try one more”.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says “lets see him play this!”

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out ” See I knew he couldn’t play all these instruments!”

And the man replies, “Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it, he’ll play it!”

Declaration Of Independence

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1.In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2.In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.

3.You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4.”Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5.You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6.Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7.Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9.You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.

10.What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11.Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

“Women who

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.””It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.””If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.””I Brake For No Apparent Reason.””When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.””Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.””I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!””No Radio – Already Stolen””Few women admit their age, Few men act it! “”I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”

Lawyer “Speak”

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”

When the man in the street says: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the lawyer writes: “Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”

Lawyers vacation

For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.

During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.

Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Why didn’t you call me when you learned you were pregnant?” he asked.

“You know I would have have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider.”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Anytime, anywhere

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis