Author: admin

Cops in oldies home

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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.

As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
‘Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?’

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
‘Excuse me, ma’am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?’

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out.

He’s stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
‘oh no, not the breathalyzer again.’

Something Nice for the Wife

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Two old friends were sitting in a bar talking.

“How’s your wife?” asked the first man

“Well I just gave her a new car and a fur coat”. The second one said

“A new car and a fur coat? Why?”

“Because I told her if she didn’t like the new car she would look good when she exchanged it.” says the second man “You should do something nice for you’re wife”

One week later they saw each other again,

“So did you do anything nice for your wife?” asked the second man.

“Sure did ” said the first man “got her a pair of slippers and a dildo”.

“A pair of slippers and a dildo??” the second man said.

The first man replies, “I told her if she didn’t like the slippers she could go fuck herself.”

Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles

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15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”

13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”

12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”

10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”

9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”

8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”

7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (“Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)

6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”

5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”

4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”

3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”

2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”

1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’

Dumb and sick news bits

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In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked – actually 11 but…..

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1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan…3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources…4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse…6. You want to see if it’s like the dream…7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume…8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them…9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk…10. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning…11. No one steals your chair…

Anyone Up There?

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A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear, he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he’d plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, “Help me!”

But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, “Is anybody up there?”

A deep yet serene voice replied, “Yes, I’m up here.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s God.”

“Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can help.”

“Please help me then!”

“Let go.”

Looking around the man became full of panic.

“What?!?!”

“Let go. I will catch you.”

“Uh… Is there anybody else up there?”

The Smarter Sex?

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The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man.
That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” the woman continued, “and look at this,
here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”