your momma is so fat she sleeps on two king size beds
Author: admin
A big-city counterfeiter decided the
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18
bills would be in some small “hick town.”
So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After
driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store.
He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind
the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he asked.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time, then smiled and
said to the man, “Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”
Saxophone joke
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.
Weiner cock
Once upon a time a guy cooked his wienrcock the end
Men are like…
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Expressing Stupidity!
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how…
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Un tipo pasado de peso
Un tipo pasado de peso hab�a probado todos los m�todos habidos y por haber para adelgazar, desde las famosas fajas reductivas hasta los jabones quemagrasa, hasta que un d�a ley� el siguiente anuncio en el peri�dico:
�ADELGACE CON PLACER!
Paquetes:
1.- 10 kilos en cinco d�as.
2.- 20 kilos en tres d�as. (No amateurs)
3.- �30 kilos en un d�a! (S�lo profesionales)
El tipo decidi� comunicarse al tel�fono de la empresa para probar la �ltima moda para adelgazar, y pidi� el primer paquete.
Al d�a siguiente tocaron a su puerta en la ma�ana y al abrir encontr� a una chica con un cuerpazo, en bikini, con zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que dec�a “si me alcanzas, SOY TUYA.”
El tipo se puso a corretarla como desesperado por toda la colonia hasta que la alcanz� e hicieron lo que ten�an que hacer. Y as� durante cinco d�as.
Al pasar los cinco d�as, el hombre se pes� en la b�scula y s�, definitivamente hab�a bajado 10 kilos. Entonces habl� a la compa��a y dijo:
“Se�orita, deseo que me env�e el paquete n�mero dos. �Quiero bajar 20 kilos en tres d�as!”
“�Est� seguro se�or? No es apto para amateurs ni cardiacos.”
“S�, se�orita. Estoy seguro.”
Al d�a siguiente, en la madrugada, tocaron a su puerta y al abrir se encontr� a una mujer escultural totalmente desnuda, excepto por sus zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que dec�a: “Si me alcanzas, SOY TUYA.”
El tipo la correte� por toda la ciudad hasta que la alcanz� e hicieron el amor como locos. Y a los tres d�as… �30 kilos menos!
Entonces, el tipo decidi� pedir el paquete para profesionales… �30 kilos de un jal�n! Al d�a siguiente tocaron a su puerta y el tipo, vestido muy sexy y listo para la acci�n, abri� la puerta y… se encoontr� a UN NEGRO con un cuerpazo tipo Arnold Muchasletras con zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que dec�a: “�Si te alcanzo, ERES MIO!”
Estaba un hombre dando de
Estaba un hombre dando de pastar a su reba�o de ovejas, cuando de repente aparece por el inh�spito camino una 4×4 full equipo. Se detiene frente al viejito y se baja un man de no m�s de 30 a�os: traje negro, camisa blanca “Hugo Boss” y zapatos “DKNY”; se acerca al viejo y le dice:
“Se�or si yo le adivino cu�ntas ovejas tiene usted en su reba�o, �me regala una?”
El viejo responde con algo de asombro “S�, c�mo no.”
Entonces el joven vuelve a su 4×4 y saca una Toshiba Tecra 8000 con 256MB de RAM, se conecta a internet, baja una base de datos de 300MB. Entra a una p�gina de la NASA, mediante un sat�lite identifica la zona exacta de donde est� el reba�o, calcula el promedio hist�rico del tama�o de una oveja tipo “Merino” mediante una tabla din�mica de Excel y, con la ejecuci�n de algunas Macros personalizadas en Visual Basic, logra completar el diagrama de flujo.
Luego de tres horas le responde al viejo:
“Usted tiene 1,347 ovejas y 4 pueden estar embarazadas.”
El viejo asinti� y le dijo que efectivamente, as� era, y que se pod�a llevar una oveja. El joven tom� una y la carg� en su 4×4. Cuando estaba por irse, el viejo lo detuvo y le pregunt�:
“Disculpe, pero si yo llegase a adivinar en d�nde estudi�, �Ud me devuelve mi oveja?”
El joven le dijo sonriente:
“Seguro, se�or”, mientras abr�a la puerta de su camioneta para marcharse.
El viejo entonces contest�: “Usted estudio en la U. JAVERIANA.”
El joven, sorprendido completamente, dijo: “�Exacto! �C�mo se dio cuenta?”
El viejo le respondi�:
“Por 4 razones: Primero, por lamb�n; segundo, vino sin que yo le hablara; tercero, me cobr� por decirme algo que yo ya s�; y cuarto, se nota que no tiene ni la m�s puta idea del negocio. �Devu�lvame a mi perro!”
More rope
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent’s house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says, “They’re making love.”
“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asked.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.
“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.
He says, “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Flea
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: “Have you thought about it? Do you know how you’d like to spend the rest of eternity?”
Flea: “Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I’d like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady’s dog.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: “Flea, how are you doing?”
Flea: “Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I’m nauseous and I have a headache from the smell.”
SP: “Well you know that you aren’t supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?”
Flea: “Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up before, I’d like to spend it in Willie Nelson’s beard.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
SP: “Hello flea, how are you doing now?”
Flea: “I’m sorry St. Peter, I’m not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It’s Hell, St. Peter, I’m miserable!”
SP: “You know, flea, you’re not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is ‘Hell,’ have you considered what else you might like to do?”
Flea: “Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton’s bush.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: “How’s it going flea?”
Flea: “Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it’s kind of strange… You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy.
There were hands all over me and I don’t quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I’m back in Willie Nelson’s beard!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Doctors Daiquiri
A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctors drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM.
One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender…
“It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
yo mamas like a chinies buffet all you can…
yo mamas like a chinies buffet all you can eat for 4.99