How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,”
And the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
Rules to give to your Boss!
Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Let me think
A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what
is a lover?”
“A lover?” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov…. Lover…. Oh, my God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet
door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the
closet.
A Nun’s Confession
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession. ‘Mother,
today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and
told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the
key to Heaven and put it in the gates.”Why that lying!’ the Mother Superior
screamed. ‘For years he has toldme it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I’ve been
blowing it!’
� NEW VIRUS WARNING
�If you receive a message with a subject line of “Bad times,” delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
�It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer (20′ range at 72 degrees Fahrenheit).
�It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice
cream melts and milk curdles.
�It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM
access code, and screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
�It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
�It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your
car radio so that you hear 1940’s hits and static while stuck in traffic.
�It will give you nightmares about circus clowns. It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly
change the interpretation of key sentences.
�”Bad times” will give you Dutch Elm disease.
�It will rewrite your back-up files, leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
�It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
but also refill your skim milk with whole.
�It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
�These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.
Be warned.
Act Religious
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.”
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…
“Now, now, keep calm, folks” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except fellow near the back.
“Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.
“Well, I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.
“Well, just do something religious!” piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat…
Q. Why did the Army send so many women with…
Q. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
One equal to one half
Theorem: 1 = 1/2:Proof:We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+…as 1/2((1/1 – 1/3) + (1/3 – 1/5) + (1/5 – 1/7) + (1/7 – 1/9) + … ).All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.We can also re-write the series as (1/1 – 2/3) + (2/3 – 3/5) + (3/5 – 4/7)+ (4/7 – 5/9) + …All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.Thus 1/2 = 1.
Looking for the bathroom (and not succeeding)
A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can’t find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says “Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?”
What a guy wants
Q:why are guys always lucky to have a blonde with a sweet tooth.
A: because they think the guys little friend makes mashmellow filling.
One more reindeer riddle
You’ll want to see the Reindeer Riddles before this one…
Q: What do you call a blind, legless reindeer with no balls?
A: Still no fucking eye deer
(And for the phonetically challenged: “Still, no fucking idea” as in he’s not moving, and he sure as hell ain’t fucking…)
Liar, Liar
A pastor is ending up his sermon one Sunday morning when he says, “Ok, now next week I am going to preach a sermon on lying. I want you all to read Mark chapter 17.”
The next Sunday the pastor begins his sermon:
“Ok I hope we all had a good weekend. Now, let me see. Who all read Mark chapter 17?”
He waited a few minuets as he watched the entire congregation raise their hands.
“Well, since Mark only has 16 chapters, let me begin my sermon on lying!”