A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.”I’ll just crawl home.”The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said “Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.”How did you know?””You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Alice!Alice who?I’m Alice
Knock KnockWho’s there?Alice!Alice who?I’m Alice chasing rainbows….!
50 Ways to Appreciate Life
1. Watch the sunset– on a sled.
2. Smile more, –it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. –It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. — It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. — You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. — You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. — Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. — This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes — and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn’t broken, — unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, –it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. — With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, — or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone’s day, — or night.
15. Stand on your head. — For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. — Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. — Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. –Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. — Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. — This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. — Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox — paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. — Naked!
24. Get grass stains. — Naked 🙂
25. Wave your hands in the air.– Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. — Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. — Don’t use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. –Don’t climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. — Don’t fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. — You look nice.
31. Collect something, — like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. — Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, — or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. — Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. — OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. — bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don’t just listen, try to hear. –Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they’re so old they won’t stay on your feet. –Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. — Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you’re alive. — Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, — with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, — in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. — Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. — Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance — in bed
46. Talk less and say more. –Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. — 12 oz. curls don’t count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. — That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. — With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. — You will need it!
Retail
Customer – Do these jeans make my ass look big?
Sales Person – No. Your ass makes your ass look big.
Little Johnny in the Military
Little Johnny was playing with a pile of crap. After a while, it looked like a human. Then this sergeant walked and asked what Little Johnny was doing. “I am making an NCO” replied Little Johnny. The sergeant just shook his head and walked away. A little while later, a first sergeant walked by and asked Little Johnny what he was doing.”I am making an NCO”, replied Little Johnny.The first sergeant walked away, shaking his head. After a bit a general walked past and asked what Little Johnny was doing.”I am making and NCO” said Little Johnny.The geneeral just laughed. After he had wiped the tears away, he asked why he was making an NCO.”Not enough crap to make an officer”
The Bunny and the Snake
A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the
woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they
decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the
bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also
know what he was. The snake ran his tongue over the bunny.
“Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose” the snake said “you must
be a bunny.”
The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said,
“Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard …. you must be a
lawyer!”
A Talk on Sex
A professor was asked to give a talk on “Sex”.
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, and adjusted the
microphone just so. He said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure
..”
And he sat back down.
Missing
A boy walks in on his parents having sex.
Curious, he asks “What are you doing?”
Dad replies, “You know how you always wanted a little brother? I’m putting one in your mom.”
The next day the dad comes home and sees the his son crying on the porch and he asks, “What’s wrong?”
The kid answers, “Remember how you put my brother in mommy last night? Well, the mailman came by today and ate it!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A quote on marriage
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.You can’t have everything, where would you put it?Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
what do you call it when a cat pisses in a…
what do you call it when a cat pisses in a bottel and throws it out the window of a car?
Litter
New York idiot
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove
back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”