You migt be a Redneck if the only fun you can have is by burning stuff with spraypaint.
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Pick Up Lines That May Get you Killed…
Pick Up Lines That May Get you Killed
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.
3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.
6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go
fuck.
7. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!
8. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?
9. You remind me of a Championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount
you or eat you!
10. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
11. Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?
12. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=3D 69?
13. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,
and I’ll put my head in
Great Blow Job
How do you know when you’ve been given a great blow job?
You have to pull the bed sheets out of your ass.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Se cae la barda que
Se cae la barda que divide el cielo del infierno. Y empiezan a discutir el diablo y San Pedro acerca de qui�n debe de reparar el da�o. Al no ponerse de acuerdo, el diablo le propone a San Pedro que consulten con sus respectivos abogados y se vean en 2 horas. El diablo llega muy puntual y San Pedro no aparece hasta como 8 horas despu�s. El diablo lo aborda impaciente y le dice:
“Oye Pedro mis equipo de abogados dice que t� tienes que pagar.”
A lo que San Pedro responde:
“Pues me ganaste porque en cielo no encontr� un solo abogado. �T� los tienes todos!”
Upgrade to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn’t work on this program.
Can you please help!
Joe.
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
Knock KnockWho’s there?Neal!Neal who?Neal and
Knock KnockWho’s there?Neal!Neal who?Neal and pray!
The Morning After
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks to himself, “Uh oh. What happened last night?” He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, “What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag.”
Romantic Weekend in Alaska
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey my hands are cold again”. She then said, “Damn how much longer until your ears get cold?”
Q: How many MIS
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Bar Translations
“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
“Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes.”
(male to female)–You would look great face down in my lap.
“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.
“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”
–You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
“Lets get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.
“Can I get a glass of white zinfindel.”
(female) –I’m easy. “Can I get a glass of white zinfindel.”
(male) –I’m gay.
“Ever try a body shot?”
(male to female) –I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
(female to male) –If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
Dumb Pick up lines
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Bond. James Bond.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.
Can I buy you a car?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Can I flirt with you?
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.
Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how’d you like them apples?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you take it up the ass?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don’t you like pizza?
Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let’s play gynecologist.
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they’re mine.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw
Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?
Screw me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy?
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Want to screw like bunnies?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.
Honor
On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says, “Sir, I offer you my honor.”
He replies, “I honor your offer.”
And that’s how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.