One day a man is riding the subway. He was the first one on so he waited for everyone else to board. He sees a teenage kid with multi colored hair, a mohawk and feather earrings in both ears. The man stares at the punk for a while until the boy finally shouts out to him “What are you looking at?!” The man then replies ” About 17 years ago when I was in South America I got drunk, I then screwed a parrot and I thought you could be my son.”
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Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
‘I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, arse hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor’
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
‘You stay out of this mister. I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee.’
BACON AND EGGS
A small boy hears a noise coming from upstairs,he shouts to his mum and dad to find out what they are doing.His mum replies just having bacon and eggs son.A few days later the small boy hears the same noise again upstairs,he stands at the bottom of the stairs and sees his mum coming down.Have you been having bacon and eggs,yes said his mum how do you know.The boy replied i can see BACON FAT DRIPPING DOWN YOUR LEG
Q: How many Sagittarians
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
Clowning on mommas
your momma is so stupid she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer
your momma is so stupid she tried to hop the train in a wheelchair
your momma is so ugly I took her with me to see a freakshow and the manager gave her an application
your mommma is so stupid she studies for a physical exam
your momma so poor I seened her kicking a cardboardbox in the street and when I asked her what she was doing she says she was moving
Pay for your past bills
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
The counter-lunch
There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, “Gee, I haven’t had a pea in forty years.”The barman then yells to the entire pub, “Quick, anyone who can’t swim grab a chair!”
Talk About Men And Be Politically Correct
He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
The Blonde at a Bar
A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.
If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.
“I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.” And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.
Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think Im the smartest person in this bar.” And she gets a million dollars.
Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think…” POOF! She disappears.
Status,again.
Q. What would you call a Redneck who has successfully completed the 3rd grade?A. Smart!
Yo mama is so short
Yo mama so short she models for trophys.
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.