Yours Fun Portal !
I’m about 4 inches long, with some hair near my end. While I’m
being used, a white, creamy substance appears on my end, and i
am forced into a dark hole and thrusted back and forth in little
circles, do you know what I am?
I’m a toothbrush!! I know what you were thinking, you sick
person.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
What the Doctor says
What the Doctor REALLY means
“This should be taken care of right away.”
“I’d planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”
“We’ll see.”
“First I have to check my malpractice insurance.”
“Let me check your medical history.”
“I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.”
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
“I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.”
“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
“I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
“I haven’t the faintest idea of what to do, but I’m trying to appear
thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.”
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
“The good news is that I’m going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that
you’re going to pay for it.”
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
“I have a 40% interest in the lab.”
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
“He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.”
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
“I’m writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.”
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
“I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.”
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
“This may hurt a little.”
“Last week two patients bit through their tongues.”
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
“I can’t remember your name, nor why you’re here.”
“Everything seems to be normal.”
“I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.”
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
“I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
one.”
“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
“I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will split
fees.”
“There is a lot of that going around.”
“My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about
this.”
This is NOT a true story, but it’s a good read. . .A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President’s outer office. The Secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. ”We want to see the President,” the man said softly.”He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped.”We’ll wait,” the lady replied.For hours, the Secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t: and the Secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the President, even though it was a chore she always regretted. ”Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.The President, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, ”We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed and my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.”The President wasn’t touched, he was shocked. ”Madam,” he said gruffly. ”We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery’.”Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly. ”We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.”The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, ”A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.”For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, ”Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?” Her husband nodded..The President’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.Mr.and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the university that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
There is a guy who has a dog that doesn’t obey him. Then he sees
an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go
to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, “Can you train my dog, and
are you a good trainer?” The trainer replies, “Well, I can train
your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am.”
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.
The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. “Wow!”
said the guy, “What kind of dog is that?” “That’s a nurse’s
dog,” said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the
room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, “Wow! What
kind of dog is that?” “That’s an architect’s dog,” replies the
trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes
in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs
away. “Wow! What kind of dog is that?” says the man. “That’s a
lawyer’s dog!”
Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, “You’re kidnapped, so be quiet and don’t give me any trouble.” The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:
I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.
She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:
Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me, Mister, I told her!”
Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
“Now then,” said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. “I would like to know two things. First, why did you revolt? And second, how did you get out of your cells?”
One of the three prisoners, Roy, stepped forward and said, “Warden, we revolted because the food here is awful.”
“I see,” says the Warden. “And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?”
Prisoner Roy replied, “Toast.”
MEN ARE ENGLISH:
“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
“You look tense; let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.
“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much
different!
“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys.
And FINALLY… (While shopping) “I like that one better.” = Just pick ANY
dress and let’s go home!
there was a little boy playing with his train set in the living room and his mother was in the kitchen so the little boy was in there playing and he said “all of you that are getting off the train get yall asses off and those of you who are getting on hurry up and get yall asses on”
so his mother said “young man we do not speak like that in this house so you go to your room for two hours and think about what you have said”
so he did and in two hours he came back down and played with his train set and said “those of you who are departing have a nice day and those of you who are getting on come on and those of you who are complaining about the two hour delay talk to the bitch in the kitchen!”
On the subject of small lodgins in Tokyo comes the small pets…For 400 yen, Japanese pedestrians can now buy a pair of live, three-inch Kabutomushi (horned beetles) from a vending machine. The four machines in central Japan, previously used for selling fresh vegetables, sell out each day, according to Japanese newspapers, with people travelling over 100 miles to make a purchase. Raising beetles as pets has a long tradition in Japan. Last August, a 36-year-old Japanese company president paid a record 10 million yen (nearly $100,000) for a giant stag beetle