Author: admin

Your choice

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One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting.

He woke his wife and told her, “You have three choices: Either go duck hunting with me, let me fuck you in the ass, or give me a blow job. I have to run out get the dog, and load the truck. You’d better decide by the time I get back.”

He returned after a while, and said to his wife, “Well, what have you decided to do?”

To which she replied, “Well, I sure don’t want to go duck hunting, and I’m sure the hell not going to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I’ll give you a blow job.”

She begins to suck on his dick, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking.

He said to her, “What’s the problem?” And she replied, “My god, your dick tastes like shit!”

He replied, “Oh yeah, the dog didn’t want to go duck hunting either.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Beer Test

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“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.”

Submitted by Calamjo

Poetry To Get Sex

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Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together.The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been. The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.” Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. The white man asks, “What happened?!”The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”

How to Shower Like a Man

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1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the “woo, woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower)

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go “Yeah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Three Dogs at the Vet’s

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Three dogs, a Spaniel, an Alsatian and a Great Dane are sitting in the vet’s waiting room. They start chatting.

The Spaniel, it transpires, caused a fatal car accident, while the Alsatian savaged a paperboy. Both are there to be put down.

The Great Dane had mounted his mistress while she bent over to clean the bath and had his way.

“So you’re here to be put down too?” asks the Spaniel.

“No,” replies the Dane, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

Italian on bus

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”