A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?” The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.” “Yeah?” asks the bartender. “What did she do?” “She hit me with her bag of quarters!”
Author: admin
Una ni�a de cinco a�os
Una ni�a de cinco a�os se encontraba llorando amargamente en una banqueta. Un se�or, al percatarse del drama que estaba haciendo la ni�a, se acerca y le pregunta:
“�Oye, ni�a, por qu� est�s llorando? �Acaso est�s perdida?”
“No”, responde la chiquilla.
“�Alguien te peg�?”, insiste el caballero.
“No”.
“Entonces, �qu� te pasa?”
“Es que ya no soy vidgen”
“�C�mo que ya no eres virgen? �Qu� diablos te hicieron?”, demanda, con cara de asombro, el tipo.
“Es que me sacaron de la pastodela”.
Three Advantages
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question: “Name the three advantages of breast milk.”
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers.
Children’s Books That Were Banned Last Year
- Dad’s New Wife Timothy
- Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games
- Maybe Dick
- The Boy Who Ate Spinach…And Lived To Tell About It
- How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
- Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
- Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
- The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
- Those Great Childhood Fragrances…Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
Shell to DOS…Come in DOS,
Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
Top Ten Reasons Hockey is Better than Sex
10. It’s legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don’t even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last 20 minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
First kiss
One day the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?'” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?'” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, “Lord, what’s a headache?'”
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Tantilazing
No soy un completo in�til…
No soy un completo in�til… Por lo menos sirvo de mal ejemplo.
Si no eres parte de la soluci�n eres parte del problema.
Lo importante no es saber, sino tener el tel�fono del que sabe.
El que sabe, sabe… Y el que no sabe es jefe.
Es bueno dejar la bebida, lo malo es no acordarse donde.
El dinero no hace la felicidad… �La compra hecha!
La inteligencia me persigue, pero yo soy m�s r�pido.
Huye de las tentaciones… Despacio, para que puedan alcanzarte.
La verdad absoluta no existe y esto es absolutamente cierto.
Hay un mundo mejor, pero es car�simo.
La mujer que no tiene suerte con los hombres no sabe la suerte que tiene.
No hay mujer fea, s�lo belleza rara.
La pereza es la madre de todos los vicios, y como a la madre hay que respetarla.
No te tomes la vida en serio, al fin y al cabo no saldr�s vivo de ella.
Tan malo es el trabajo, que hasta pagan por hacerlo.
The worst day of your
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair.
Whats black, yellow, and………
Q.Whats black, yellow, and screaming?
A.A bus load of negros goin over a cliff.
Life in Texas
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this. July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin’ state. Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted F***NG Garfield! Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worthof cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the F*ck!? Aug 14th Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.
Driveway
How many lawyers does it take to pave a driveway?
It depends how thin you slice them!
what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the hudson river?
A good start!!