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Johnny gets his license

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Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to
the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride
for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the
new driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months
of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the
beaming boy to the his dad.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m going to sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years!”

A blonde and her red head husband

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One night a blonde goes to a bar, but doesn’t drink. Then she walks up to a man and asks him where she lives. The man says I doen’t know.

Then she walks into her husband and asks if he will take her home? He’s says ok. Their home and they walk in and the blonde says why are you in my house? Her husband says why did you leave the house?

The blonde asks why couldn’t I leave?

Husband says because we were suposed to do it. She asks why were we suposed to do it? Because I’m your husband.

The blonde says no your not my husbands a red head.

Husband:?????????????????????????????????

No honey

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Little Johnny (that little bugger again!) was being particularly reckless one day. He was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started swirling around, annoying him. He began stomping on them in a temper and his father saw him.’That’s it. No honey for you for one month.’Later, Johnny pondered over some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him and after a brief moment of thought said, ‘No butter for you for one month.’Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, ‘Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?’

Duck Hunting Lawyer

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A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.

A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.

As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it’s not. I shot it. it’s mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it’s mine.

The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.

The farmer said in Kansas we don’t sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.

The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.

The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.

The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.

The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.

Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,

The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.

He Said. NOW IT’S MY TURN.

The farmer said. Nope I give up.

You can have the duck.

The Hypnotist

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit” said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Anagrams

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Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil’s Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ’em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

This one’s amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slingsand arrows of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians: George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or
Insane Anglo warlord)

Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty

And the grand finale: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” –Neil A. Armstrong = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis