Q. What’s the diffrence between preachers and Christmas trees?
A. They both have balls but just for decoration.
Author: admin
Jackass
Q: Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?
A: Show me your license.
Office
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?’ ‘Just use copier machine paper,’ the secretary told him. With that,
the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Two buddies are sitting at the bar
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and talking about
another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. “I don�t get it,” complained
the first guy, “He�s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes,
and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with
the most beautiful women here!”
“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “He�s not even a very good conversationalist, all
he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.”
New Prayers
The girls’ prayer:
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan,
the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
The boys’ prayer:
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
So strong and brave
A woman is in bed with her lover. she says, “my love, you’re so strong and
brave, what would you do if suddenly my husband appeared in the doorway?”
“i would beat the s*** out of him. i would screw off his head and say it was
always that way….”
suddenly, they hear a frightened voice from the doorway, “no, no, i am still
for two more days on a business trip.”
Masturbaiting
One time little jimmy’s dad walked into little jimmy’s room and said jimmy don’t jackoff you’ll go blind.
(little jimmy)-dad i’m over here in the living room….
Hotels
These three guys wanted to rent a hotel, the hotel had only
three rooms left, one room with apples one with oranges and one
with a room full of woman..
The first guy says i’ll take the apples..!!
The Second guy says i’ll take oranges.
And the third guy says i’ll go to the one with all the woman.:-)
The next morning at breakfast the three guys met up.
The guy in the apple room said i feel like a apple.
The guy in the orange room said i feel like a orange.
The guy in the room with all the woman said i feel like a golf
ball i’ve been in and out of 18 holes.
Un hombre llevaba en coma
Un hombre llevaba en coma dos meses y de pronto se despierta y ve a su esposa que hab�a estado todo el tiempo junto a su cama.
El hombre le dice a su mujer:
“�Sabes amor? Tu siempre has estado conmigo, en las buenas y en las malas. Cuando perd� mi trabajo, ah� estabas conmigo. Cuando perd� todas mis casas y mis negocios, tambi�n estabas conmigo. Cuando me dieron un balazo, tambien ah� estabas t�…”
El hombre hace una pausa, se acerca a su mujer y le dice en el o�do:
“�Sabes qu�? �Maldita bruja, t� me traes mala suerte!”
Trip to Newfoundland
HALIFAX TO GANDER
12 DAYS – 4 NIGHTS
JAN. 21 – FEB. 30
Itinerary
1st Day: Leave Halifax International Airport 4:35am. All passengers
travel first class aboard Air Newf’s Uni-Engine Jumbo Jet.
2nd day: In Air
3rd day: In Air
4th day: In Air
5th day: Arrive Gander 9:00pm and on to Gander Curling Club, 3rd floor,
basement annex for box dinner of clam chowder and soda crackers.
6th day: After breakfast, complete city tour of gander, 9:30am-9:30am.
Free time for shop lifting followed by a fabulous 9-course meal
consisting of: Rabbit Soup, One Seal Flipper Pie, Cod Bits and a
Six-pack.
7th day: Tour of countryside in the comfort of a U.S. war surplus Jeep
left behind after the historical American evacuation.
8th day: Back to town for a tour of the new Civic Library. Everyone will
get to see the book.
9th day: Board waiting Jumbo Jet to the Mainland. Only three quick stops
(two for fuel and one for directions.)
10th day: In Air
11th day: In Air
12th day: Arrive Halifax between 10:00am and Midnight, depending on
weather conditions and fuel supply.
ONLY $49.50 per couple.
* Includes transportation, meals, drugs, tours, transfers, hotel, first
aid and parachute (opens on impact) *
Operating systems as beers
Windows 95 Beer — You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Wife’s idea
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.
He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a rural dirt road in the middle of farm country.
After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the field driving a tractor.
Funny thing was, the farmer didn’t seem to be wearing any pants.
“Hey farmer, how come you’re not wearing any pants?”
“Well, city boy, the other day I went out a-working in the fields, and I plum fergot to wear mah shirt.
Got back to the house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board, now this here’s mah wife’s idea.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci