One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and
said, “Oh really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”
The little girl then explained, “Well … the mommy and daddy take off all of
their clothes and the daddy’s wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on
the floor and puts the daddy’s wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy’s wiener
sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy’s mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that’s where babies come from.”
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye
and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from …
that’s where jewelry comes from.”
Author: admin
Giving Sad News to a Troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So
the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to
the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report
to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his
office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I
just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him
and send him in to see me. This time is more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for
his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a
mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”
This guy walks into a
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya
from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asks, “What th’ hell you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a
taxidermist?”
The guy says “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s
one of us!”
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child’s artwork.
As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks
like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied, “They will in a minute.”
The probability of someone watching
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The 3rd affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Schwarz is dead!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Top 10 – dogs better than men
10. More sophisticated fashion sense.
9. Love to dance.
8. Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command.
7. Spend less time worrying about hair loss.
6. Old buddies don’t show up on the doorstep unexpectedly.
5. Utterly disinterested in professional sports.
4. Your parents find them easier to like.
3. Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends.
2. Willing to hold your purse in public.
1. Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense
play.
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who hijacked a submarine?
He demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
Here’s Little Johnny!…
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a
bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,”
reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed
one….
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot
himself!”
Mice in a lightbulb?
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two…but I don’t know how they’d get in there!
How can you identify an
How can you identify an [ethnic] pirate?
He’s the one with patches over both eyes.
Who’s driving?
Q: Three portuguese men are in a car, who is driving?
A: The police.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Christine and Curtis