A wise woman once said:
“life is like a dick…..when it gets hard, fuck it!”
Author: admin
Fictitious Character
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Airline Safety
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr.
Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of
the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and
came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight
attendants couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and
smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers
feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from
under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?”
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about.”
“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
“We’re going to get help.”
Gay Gene
BALTIMORE�On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. “I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it,” team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. “It’s a good thing we isolated it�I wouldn’t want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones.” Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene’s gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.
— The Onion
That football was spiked.
Before footballs are admitted into a professional game, they must all go to
football boot camp.
One day Sergeant Pigskin came in to the bunker to inspect his little troops.
“Attention! Gentleman!” the Sergeant shouted, “I want you all lined up for
inspection on the double.”
One football was swaying back and forth, obviously having problems controlling
itself. “And what is your problem?” the Sergeant demanded.
“N-n-nothinggg,” the football slurred.
“Sir,” a fellow football stammered, “that football was spiked.”
Rich lawyer
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United
Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t
donate even a cent to a charity.
“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital,
and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three
divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one
to support her four children…”
“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for
money.”
The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money,
why should I give you any?”
Shower like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her your tackle making the ‘woo’ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk on top of your head.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go ‘Yeah baby’ and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
Eyebrows
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, “Boy, I sure would like to get some of that.”
The ugly man said, “Go ahead, go for it.”
The handsome man said, “There’s no way, she won’t go with anybody, I’ve tried many times.”
The ugly man said, “I think I could go out with her if I wanted to.”
The handsome man laughed and said, “If she won’t go out with me, she sure as hell won’t go out with you.”
Ugly said, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks she’ll go with me.”
Handsome says, “You’re on!”
Ugly says, “OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I’ll pick it up later.”
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn’t believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, “What happened? What did he say to her?”
The bartender told him, “Well, he didn’t say much. He just said it’s a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci and yisman
Redneck
You might be a redneck if someone says do the hoedown you through your girlfriend on the ground
Two Story House
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”
Who’s Child?
James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. “Not at all, go right ahead,” she replied.
“Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?”
“I just can’t tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.”
“I’ll be fine. Now that we’re divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can’t hurt me too much.”
“Well, if it’s that important to you…Jimmy is your child.”
Three rings of wedlock
Q: What are the three rings of marriage?
A: Engagement Ring, Wedding ring, Suffering