Always good advice:
1) Backup your important files.
2) Defragment your hard drive.
3)Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
Author: admin
A little corporate humor
A little corporate humor
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I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”
“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after
months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop
spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time…nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
“I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of
making a special trip,” he proudly explained.
I was impressed. “Thanks. I had to ask.”
“No problem,” he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted
back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me, but…uh…why, or what…about that string?”
“Oh, yeah” he began in a quieter tone. “Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s room, too.” “How’s that, I asked?”
“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can
pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate
the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over
93%!” “Oh, that makes sense,” I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, “Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys; but I use
the spoon in my pocket”!
Buxom waitress
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”
Rooster
A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to buy a fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens. The man at the supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had was this incredible randy rooster.
“But that’s just what I need!” the farmer said. The store owner said, “Not this rooster, he’s trouble. I’ve never seen anything so horny.” But the farmer insisted and eventually took the rooster home on the condition that he wouldn’t ever return it.
Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the rooster hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the hens and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and proceeding to nail all the geese.
This continued for three days until all the farm birds that were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.
“Serves you right.” said the farmer, at which point the rooster rose, pointed overhead, winked, and said, “Shhhhhhhhh.”
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My,…
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!'”
– Patricia Arquette
Ballerina
What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?
She called the toe truck!
Q: How many Apple
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
$20 Hooker
This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.He says, “How much?”She says, “Twenty bucks.”He says, “All right.”They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he’s banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.She says, “What the extra five?”He says, “That’s for blowing the sand off my balls.”
Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb it’s coat was full of fleas
but now the stupid twat has foot and mouth disease
Cat Quiz for Humans
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didn’t bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a. Please don’t leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to ‘fix’ you like you ‘fixed’ him.
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a. It is bored silly.
b. It’s trying to understand how it’s food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.
Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. You’re not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.
Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch it’s interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cat’s owner is attractive, maybe you could double.
Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.
Straight to hell
During his visit to Washington, Blair was intrigued by a new telephone that Bush had installed in the oval office, when asking about it Bush said it was a direct line to hell. Blair spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in GB also. He tried it again and received a bill for �12,
000. Blair was obviously distressed. – How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in Washington. – Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.