Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Author: admin
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day
25> “No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey.”
24> “Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin’.”
23> “Sixteen men an’ a copier mess — yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner.”
22> “Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel.”
21> “I’ll be keelhaulin’ the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!”
20> “Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we’ll one day partake of noontime grub together.”
19> “No, Bob, I will not ‘shiver your timbers.’ I will, however, call my attorney.”
18> “To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!”
17> “Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones’ locker! Nobody flush… I’ll go get me hook.”
16> “Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey.”
15> “Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?”
14> “Fax ahoy, mateys!”
13> “Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule’s port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!”
12> “No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!”
11> “Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!”
10> “Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin’ a reboot first? Arrr! It’s the plank for you, ye mangy cur… and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!”
9> “Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!”
8> “Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin’ ta die fer that parking spot?”
7> “Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water… bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings… and a minute’s voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway… the unisex bathroom’ll be on yer port side.”
6> “Aye, if it’s a large treasure chest and amazin’ booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist.”
5> “Boss, I’ll be borrowin’ a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho’s and a bottle of rum.”
4> “Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?”
3> “Arrr! I’ve arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration.”
2> “Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!”
1> “Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin’ slivers o’ potato fried in the popular French style with that?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you plant dope?A: Bury a blonde.
The Female Body
This is a trick that you can play on your friend or anyone else
that you want. However, I must warn you that whomever you are
playing the trick on, should have clean hands. You will see why
by the time you read this. So, this is what you do…
1. Hold your hands apart about a foot going up and down. (This
will be the “pretend” female body needed for this trick).
2. Tell your friend to close their eyes (make sure they are
closed or the joke won’t be good).
3. Tell you friend, still with their eyes closed, to point
between your two hands, where the head of the woman would be.
(then, they will, hopefully, point close to the hand farthest up
in the air).
4. Then tell them to point to the feet of the body (they should
point close to the hand lowest in the air).
5. Then, tell them to point to the vagina of the woman (no
matter where they point get your mouth around their finger.
This, to your friend, will feel like the vagina and they will
freak out!)
Now you see why their hands should be clean!
Q: How many terrorists
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
Gay Men and A Baby
Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.
Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!
So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.
Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.
The nurse, hearing this, said “He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!
Two old guys and a
Two old guys and a [ethnic] go hunting.The first night, one old man
comes back with a deer.
“How’d ya’ get it?” the [ethnic] asked.
“Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me a deer.”
The second night, the other old man comes back to camp with two
deer.
“How’d ya’ get ’em?” the [ethnic] asked.
“Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me two deer.”
On the third night, the [ethnic]’s out until three in the morning.
He comes staggering into the camp all beat up, with torn clothes,
tons of bruises, and a lot of fractures.
“What happened to you?” asked one of the old men.
“Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got hit by a train.”
La fiesta de cumplea�os de
La fiesta de cumplea�os de Juanita iba a celebrarse y la mam� no quer�a que invitara a Pepito porque era muy grosero; pero ella suplic� y la madre accedi� con una condici�n:
“Por favor, dile a Pepito que se comporte y no sea majadero”.
El d�a de la fiesta, conforme van llegando los ni�os, son formados en la entrada para quitarles su su�ter y colgarlo en el armario. Al llegar todos los ni�os, el payaso que ameniza la fiesta comienza con las adivinanzas para repartir los premios:
“A ver, ni�os: lana sube, lana baja, �qu� es?”
Pepito fue el �nico que levant� la mano y cuando el payaso le pide que responda, Pepito contesta:
“La verga”.
La mam� de Juanita, enojada, ordena:
“El su�ter de Pepito porque ya se va”.
Juanita se tira al suelo haciendo un berrinche y rogando:
“�Por favor, mam�, deja que se quede, te prometo que es la �ltima groser�a que hace!”
“No, es un majadero y te lo advert�”.
Pero de tanto llorar, la mam� accede a la petici�n de su hija.
El payaso sigue:
“Ni�os: �agua pasa por mi casa, cate de mi coraz�n?”
Ning�n ni�o levanta la mano, a excepci�n de Pepito, y el payaso, nervioso, pide:
“�Qui�n m�s? �Alg�n otro ni�o?”
Como nadie responde, no le queda m�s que preguntarle a Pepito y �ste responde:
“La verga”.
“Ahora s�, el su�ter de Pepito”, pide la mam� de Juanita.
Juanita se tira al suelo:
“�No, mam�, por favor, te lo ruego, que no se vaya, �l es el alma de las fiestas!”
Y convence a la mam�.
“Pero si vuelve a decir otra groser�a, te juro que ahora s� se va”.
El payaso contin�a con las adivinanzas:
“�Entra parado, sale mojado y huele a pescado?”
De inmediato se levanta Pepito:
“�Mi su�ter, por favor, porque ahora s�, de que es la verga es la verga!”
(No pienses mal, es el buzo)
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper
Holiday Inn
Your mom is like Holiday Inn. Kids eat free!
Crying
One day a neighbor of the blonde’s go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again.
The blonde replied with, “I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!