HOW DOES A ARAB GET OFF?
HE JUMPS ON A CAMEL AND STARTS HUMPINH.
Author: admin
Loan application
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated backto 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:”Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:”Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I notethat you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.Now, may we have the lousy loan?
The Penguins
One day a man in a pickup truck was driving down the rode with a
bunch of penguins in the back of his truck a cop pulled him over
and said, “Do you know it is illegal to ride around with
penguins in the back of your truck” the man said, “What do you
suggest I do with them?” The cop said, “well, take them to the
zoo.” The man said, “Ok!”
The next day the same man was driving down the road with the
penguins in the back of his truck and the penguins had
sunglasses on. The same cop pulled him over and said, “I thought
I told you to take them to the zoo.” The man said, “I did! They
had fun and today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Help from Canada…
PRESS RELEASE:
Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th
with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime
Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
– 600 GROUND TROOPS,
– 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
– 2 CANOES,
– 6 MOUNTIES,
– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS
Doctors and Fat Guys
An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor’s office and claims that he’s tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won’t starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he’s sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he’s down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he’s feeling, noticing that he’s bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. “I’m feeling great, doc; never felt better” is the reply.
“In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?” asked the doctor.
“Just chewing some gum!”
What is Contingency
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a
lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would
take the case on contingency.
When the client asked what “contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I
don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit,
you don’t get anything.”
Benefits of sex
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom.
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The “Hot Sex Fairy” will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don’t, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn’t?). Don’t send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.
Do not keep this message.
This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life!!!!
Willy wonkas chocolates
Willy wonka was sat on the toilet havind a poo and his wife shouted what ya doing he said making chocolate.
Magic Mirror
Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying.
If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever.
One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old
lady looked in it and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said, “I think I’m the most
Beautiful woman in the world.” ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too,
disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said, “I think. . .”
ZAP!
Bull Talk
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”
Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ’em till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I AM KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bull’s equivalent of an Ape’s beating his chest or Man’s bone-chilling, war-like cry of “Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!
First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”
3 Dumb Blonde Jokes
1. Did you hear about the dumb blonde’s wife who had triplets?
He’s out lookin for the other 2 guys
2. A dumb blonde walks in and finds her husband with another
woman. She takes out a handgun to shoot herself. Her husband
says dont do that! She says dont worry, your next!
3. A dumb blonde had a penguin in her car and was drivin down
the street when she saw a cop. He stopped her and told her to
take the penguin to the zoo. The next day she had the penguin in
her car again. The cop stopped her and asked her why she hadn’t
brought the penguin to the zoo. She explained that she did and
the penguin had a nice time visiting all the animals.
If women ruled..
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
‘Singles’ bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a `good catch’ simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: `I’m sorry,’ `I love you,’ `Sure we can talk. Is now okay?’
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.
Road rage would turn in on oneself.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.
TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.