Yo mommas so fat that she was standing at the corner waiting to cross the street and a cop rolled up and said “you two break it up”.
Author: admin
A Trip to the Vet
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
My husband had to take my son’s hampster to the vet. Here’s
what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell my husband
there was “something wrong” with one of the two hampsters he
holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick”, he said. “I’m serious
Dad, can you help?”
He put his best hampster-healer expression on his face and
followed our son into his bedroom. One of the little rodents
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. He immediately
knew what to do.
“Honey”, he called, “come look at the hampster!”
“Oh my gosh!” I realized after a minute. “She’s having babies!”
“What?” our son demanded. “but their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!”
My husband was euqally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce” He accused me.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” I
enquired. (being totally sarcastic)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” He reminded me (in
his best loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting his teeth)
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie” our son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know.”
I informed him. (again with the sarcasm)
By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, and decided to make the best of it.
“Kids, this is going to be a woundrous experience!” I
announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“OH, GROSS!!!” They shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little hampster babies?” My husband wanted to
know. (Being totally snotty)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot appeared briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress.” My husband noted.
“It’s breech!” I whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” our son urged.
“Okay, okay!” Squeamishly, he reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly pull, but it
vanished again with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” our eldest daughter wanted to know.
“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet.” My husband said grimly.
We drove to the vet with our son holding he cage in his lap.
“Breath, Ernie, breath,” he urged.
“I don’t think hampsters do Lamaze.” I said to him. (I think my
husband thought I was being cruel to my own son, being cruel to
my husband was one thing, but to the one that I carried for 9
months is another. HE was wrong, I was just pointing out the
obvious!)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” My husband suggested
very scientifically.
“Oh, very interresting,” he murmured.
“Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?”
I gulped, nodding for our son to step out.
“Is Ernie going to make it?” I asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.
“This hamspter is not in labour. In fact, that isn’t EVER going
to happen…Ernie is a boy!”
“WHAT!?”
“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they
um…..er…..masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back.”
He blushed, glancing at me.
“Well, you know what I’m saying Mr. Cameron.”
We were silent, absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just excited?” I
offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then, I started to giggle, and then laugh and continue to laugh
loudly.
“What’s so funny?” My husband demanded, while tears started
rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
“It’s just….that…I’m picturing you pulling on
it’s…it’s…teeny little…” I gasped for more air to bellow
with laughter once more.
“That’s enough!” He warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hampter
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad.” our
son told my husband.
“Oh, you have NO idea, son,” I agreed, collapsing into laughter
once again.
Indecision is the key to
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marcella!Marcella who?Marcella is
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marcella!Marcella who?Marcella is full of water and I’m drowning, help!
Animal Husbandry
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can’t tell.”
Finagle’s Law Of Military Superiority:
Finagle’s Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Murphy Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it�s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you�d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn�t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Sex drive is too high.
A feeble old man is in his doctor’s office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, “So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?”
“Yes, Doc,” the old man slowly responded. “My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.”
This took the doctor quite by surprise. “You’re 84 years old, and you’re in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?
“Well,” the old man said, “I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that’s why I’m here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.”
Still confused, the doctor said, “I would think that at your age, you wouldn’t complain about a high sex drive.”
“Doc,” the old man said, “You don’t understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here,” pointing to his head, “to here,” pointing to between his legs.
En su primer viaje como
En su primer viaje como piloto de avi�n, Venancio presencia la muerte de su capit�n de vuelo a consecuencia de un paro cardiaco.
Una vez cerciorado de que el capit�n est� bien muerto, Venancio se comunica con la torre de control:
“�Jolines, ac� Venancio pidiendo contacto con alguna torre de control!”
“Aca torre de control, d�ganos que sucede.”
“�Pues naa que mi capit�n se ha muerto y necesito indicaciones para aterrizar esta nave!”
“Ok, primero d�ganos su altura y posici�n para proceder al aterrizaje.”
Despu�s de unos segundos de silencio Venancio contesta, “Bueno, mi altura es de 1.68 mts y mi posici�n es ac� a un ladito del muertito!!!”
Painting job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?A: A water gate.
VP Gore
VP Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy . . .
. . . on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says,
“What’s in the box kid?”
To which the little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” Al says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies
the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, “You gotta check this
out” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”
“Whoa!”, Al says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were
Democrats. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”