An old guy wanted to go on a vacation, but he didn’t have any
money at all. One day while looking around the house for some
cash, he found a magic lamp…when he rubbed it out came a
genie! The genie said for freeing him from his lamp, he will
give him 3 wishes. The old man’s first wish was that he wanted
$1,000,000…POOF! He had a $1,000,000. The second wish was that
he had the coolest convertable in the world…POOF! He had the
coolest convertable in the world. He said he’ll tell the genie
the third wish later. The genie was in the lamp in the backseat
of the convertable while the old guy was driving to the beach.
He turned on the radio…the old guy was so happy, he started
singing to the tune on the radio… “I WISH I were an Oscar
Meyer weinerrrrrr, the bestest weiner I can ever beeeeeee!”
POOF!!!
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oswald!Oswald who?Oswald my
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oswald!Oswald who?Oswald my chewing gum!
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every so often, she has to stop
to breathe.
Better Luck Next Tim
Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.
Cessna Crash In Poland
The worst disaster in Polands history happend today when two
seater Cessna 120 airplane crashed in a cemetery. So far, 326
bodies have been found. Polish search and rescue team believe
the number will rise as they continue to dig.
Magical Sledgehammer
A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told himto pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience wouldknow the sledgehammer was real.So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, “No way. It’ll probably kill you”. The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, “I’ll be fine. I promise you. Go ahead.” “Well,”, the man replied, “Ok, here goes.”Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician’s face.The result was very bloody. The magician’s nose was crushed, teeth fell out and blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, “Ta-da!”
Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change…
Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
A. (Scream) IT JUST DOES!!
Lawyers do it with appeal….
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Q&A
Q: What’s the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.” You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
Angels atop the christmas tree tradition
It was a starry night and the snowflakes drifted down gently.
The snowcrust sparkled in the lamplight at the North Pole.
Sleigh bells jingled in the distance. It was supposed to be a
happy time, but it wasn’t.
Santa was really pissed off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING
was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas
cookies. The elves were bitching about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys. And to top it all
off, the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were
completely useless. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one
of the runners. They were still stumbling around outside,
giggling and shaking their sleigh bells. Santa was redder than
usual with anger. He drank another slug of scotch, and then
bellowed, “I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all
my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don’t even
have a Christmas tree! AND I sent that stupid little angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What the
HELL am I going to do?”
Just at that moment, the little angel opened the front door and
stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree
behind him. He said, “Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick
the Christmas Tree this year?” And thus the tradition of angels
perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
On a British Airways flight
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off
white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.
“Can’t you see?” she said, “You’ve sat me next to a kafir. I can’t
possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!”
“Please calm down, Madam.” the stewardess replied. “The flight is very
full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go and check to see if we
have any seats available in club or first class”.
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the
stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who
cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and
self-satisfied grin.
“Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one
seat in first class”.
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: “It is
most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to
get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person.”
With that, she turned to the black man and said: “So if you’d like to get
your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…”
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane