Author: admin

One day 3 hostages were in a airplane.
The first hostage said”I’ll drop this quater to help my country.”
The second hostage said”I’ll drop this dollar to help my
country.”
The third hostage said”I’ll drop this bomb to help my country.”

So one day the first hostage was walking in his country and he
saw a little boy crying and he asked “Why are you crying little
boy?”
He said “because a quater hit me on the head.”

Later the second hostage was walking in his country and he saw a
little girl crying and he asked “Why are you crying little girl?”
She said “Cause a dollar fell out of the sky and gave me a paper
cut.”

One day the thrid day hostage was walking in his country and he
saw a little boy laughing and he asked “Why are you laughing
little boy?”
And he said “Because my dad farted and the house blew up!”

I’ve got something you don’t have!” A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said “My wagon’s bigger than your wagon!”

The little girl said “No it’s not!” The boy said “Is too! Let’s measure!” They measured and the girl said “Oh gosh, it is.”

They played some more and the boy said “My daddy can beat up your daddy!”

The girl said “He can not!”

The boy said “Can too! Watch!” The two fathers fight and the little boy’s father wins.

The girl says “Oh gosh, he can.”

They play some more and the little boy smiles and says “I’ve got something you don’t have!”

The little girl says “Do not!”

The boy says “Do too! Look!” He pulls his pants down and shows her.

The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face.

The little boy says “What are you so happy about?”

The girl pulls up her dress and says “My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!”

Q: How do you babysit black kids?

A: Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell phone up
your ass?

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

18. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and
not you.

16. Don’t piss me off. I’m running out of Places to hide the
bodies.

15. You’re depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

5. Always remember you’re unique, just like everybody else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week…

1. Honk if you want to see my finger.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is usually right.
Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.
Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Change is inevidable – except from vending machines.
Don’t sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.
A fool and his money will soon be partying.
Money can’t buy love – but it can rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it’s a scenic route.
‘I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize…’
Everyone repeat after me…”we are all individuals…”
Death to all fanatics!!
Don’t be sexist – chicks hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks…
Hard work pays off later – laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasles don’t get sucked in jet engines
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If at first you don’t succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.