Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.”What’s the matter?” he asked of his friend, “did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?” “No – it’s worse than that,” replied the friend between sobs, ” he sold it to me…”
Author: admin
how to dis ur friends
Ask your friend “what do u say when u see a redneck screwin a
sheep?”
your friend says “i dunno, what?”
AND THEN U SAY “HEY LOOK THERE’S **and say ur friends first and
last name**
note; run like hell after this one!!
Microsoft Building
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”
Men are like…
Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement…. after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Job in a Sawmill
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled “Mick, I’ve lost a finger!”Mick said. “How did you do it?”Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this… ouch! There goes another one!”
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name:
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don’t know
Paddy&Mick
Paddy&Mick throwing stones at the ground Paddy missed!
Tight skirt
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get
onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. She tried to step
up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and
loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still
too tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and
the skirt was still too tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and
unzipped some more. And she still couldn�t get up onto the bus. So this man
behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him and saying “What do you think you are doing.”
Well the man says “Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I
thought we were acquainted.”
Como ba�arse como una mujer:
Como ba�arse como una mujer:
1. Te quitas la ropa y la colocas en la cesta de la ropa sucia seg�n la tonalidad de los colores.
2. Caminas hacia el ba�o con tu bata de ba�o. Si ves a tu novio/marido en el camino, te tapas bien el cuerpo y sales corriendo hacia el ba�o.
3. Te paras frente al espejo y detallas tu f�sico. Sacas la barriga para poder quejarte m�s de lo gorda que est�s.
4. Te metes en la ba�era. Buscas el pa�ito para la cara, el pa�ito para los brazos, el de las piernas el de la espalda y la piedra pome.
5. Te lavas el pelo con Shampoo de aguacate/miel con 83 vitaminas.
6. Te vuelves a lavar el pelo con Shampoo de aguacate/miel con 83 vitaminas.
7. Te echas acondicionador de pelo de aguacate/miel y te lo dejas por 15 min.
8. Te lava la cara con una mezcla de durazno por 10 min. hasta que la cara se ponga roja.
9. Te lavas el resto del cuerpo con jab�n para el cuerpo de nueces y fresas.
10. Te quitas el acondicionador del cuerpo. (Este proceso se lleva como 10 min. porque hay que estar seguro de quitarse todo el acondicionador)
11. Te afeitas las axilas y las piernas. Consideran afeitarse el �rea del bikini, pero decides depil�rtelo.
12. Gritas con arrechera cuando tu novio/marido baja la poceta y pierdes presi�n en el agua.
13. Apagas la ducha.
14. Te escurres todas las partes mojadas dentro de la ducha
15. Te sales de la ducha y te secas con un pa�o del tama�o de Africa.
16. Te pones un pa�o super absorbente en la cabeza.
17. Te chequeas todo el cuerpo en busca de pepas/granos y los atacas con tus u�as o pinzas.
18. Regresas a tu habitaci�n con tu bata larga.
19. Si ves a tu novio/marido en el camino te tapas toda y sales corriendo para la habitaci�n y pasas una hora y media visti�ndote.
Warm and cozy
A couple had a son and a daughter. Both married. The mother tells a friend
about her new in-laws.
“My daughter married perfectly. Her young husband adores her. Every morning he
wakes up, goes to the kitchen, prepares breakfast, while my Anne stays in bed,
warm and cozy, like a princess!”
“And what about your son?”
“Don’t ask! His marriage is a disaster! He foolishly adores that
good-for-nothing wench. Every morning he wakes up, walks to the kitchen,
prepares breakfast, while she impudently stays in bed warm and cozy, like a
cow!”
God’s Watching
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, “Take all you want, God’s watching the apples”!
Old rope
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”